Learning to Date

After my freakout about Friday night, I got some perspective on Saturday.  After analyzing and replaying my behavior in my head a million times, I am completely comfortable with what happened.  I was not inappropriate, my flirting was not out of line and I was looking forward to my date last night. 

Yes, I went on a date last night.  I believe it was my first date since starting recovery, at least my first official date with a man I don't know.  A date is all about determining whether or not you want to get to know someone, right?  Overall, it was fine.  I enjoyed the movie and the little bit of conversation we had.  However, I have no interest in spending a lot of time with him.  I have no interest in a second date at all.  I felt like I kept really good boundaries.  Once I made the decision about not wanting a second date, I quit flirting with him.  I don't want to lead someone on when I have no intention of following through. 

When I got home, he sent me a text message:  "Thank you. It's been fun chatting it up with ya. I'm just scratching my head trying to figure out how you resist throwing yourself at all of this awesome manliness?"

Ummm.... how do I respond to that?  I said: When you've had the experiences I have, you prefer the slow route for most every kind of relationship.  I'm much more interested in starting as friends before getting romantic.

He continued to try and flirt with me, making suggestions of wrestling, couch dancing, kissing and how hot my height was.  I was totally uncomfortable. I AM totally uncomfortable with it.  I didn't invite the sexual comments and innuendos.  I almost feel violated?  No, that's too big of a word for what I feel.  Objectified -- that's what I feel -- I feel objectified.

He expressed no real interest in me as a person. He didn't ask question about who I was or what I enjoyed or what made me, me.  I tried to engage in normal get to know you conversation last night.  He told me about himself, but didn't express an equal amount of interest in me.  Then, he tried to connect with me physically. 

I've been there.  I've done what he did last night.  I get it.  Not knowing how to make a real connection, I've flaunted my sexuality to make one.  Not confident in who I was or what I had to offer, I resulted to the only think I knew men wouldn't turn down, my body. 

However, I don't live that way anymore.  It feels amazing!!  To honestly feel like I don't have to live that way anymore is liberating. I was in control of my feelings the entire time. I didn't even think about acting out - nor was I tempted too - I didn't want to.  I also am aware, now, of what my own objectification issues are.  Every time I act out, I am objectifying myself and the partner I am with. It doesn't feel good.  I was never aware of that feeling or could identify it before.  I do not like knowing that I was probably involved in actions that made others feel that way.  I objectified people. I objectified men.  I occassionally do it now, when I see men as lust objects and not people. 

I'm grateful for this experience.  It makes me think about the kind of relationship I want to have. It makes me really think about who I want them to be.  I've always looked at it in terms of what I want them to do for me and the kind of relationship we would have.  But I'm enjoying thinking about the type of person they are.  Kind, curious, respectful, worthy priesthood holder, dancer, compassionate, enjoy talking, likes to learn, aware of needs of others, sensitive to those around him.  I want him to have hobbies and interests that he feels strongly about.  Probably a tall order, but still, it's fun to think about.