Family Boundaries

Utah really is a beautiful state.  I love the sunshine but especially the mountains.  It's the mountains that draw me in.  I've seen lots of mountains, but nothing compares to the mountains in Utah. 

I'm in Utah visiting my family.  I've been here since Monday and leave on Saturday.  It's been an interesting week full of ups and downs.  In all ways, I'm very happy to be here.  I love my nephews and my niece. I love my brothers and sisters and their incredible families.  I had my therapy appointment by phone on Wednesday -- that was nice. 

My mom is struggling.  I had an interesting conversation with her in the car today about so many things.  I was glad to hear her use the word boundaries.  I was sad when she cried and said she doesn't feel pretty.  Her mom used to say things to her like -- we need to do something with that hair, you have so many freckles, we just need to do something so you look pretty.  Mom doesn't feel prety.  She never has.  She said she has a closet full of clothes she hates and is always, always searching for that one perfect outfit to make her pretty.  I wanted to share with her my gym moment, but it didn't feel right.  Maybe one day.  She is really struggling.  She is so lonely. My siblings are not always nice to her. She is really having a difficult time.  I am so sad for her.  I really want to help and don't know how.  She is really struggling.  My brother told he they won't have air conditioning for the summer.  My mom has MS - no AC makes for a killer summer. 

We had a rather heated discussion last night about homosexuality and women's rights.  It was an interesting conversation with my brothers and my mom.  Some very interesting points were made and I feel a lot more comfortable in my position.  It was interesting to watch the dynamic though.  My brother said - I just need us all to be one, to agree on everything.  My sister got mad and went upstairs by herself.  My brothers make huge leaps in logic and don't listen to everything people say. 

I am really quite shocked at the way two of my brothers argue and say things.  They are disrespectful and downright rude.  They are so self-absorbed and can't see outside of themselves and their own situation. 

I'm really sad tonight.  I don't know what to do for my mom.  I want to rescue her. I want to take care of it and do what needs to be done.  She is so lonely --- and I know part of that is my withdrawal over the past year to claim my own life and my own emotions and perspective and experiences.