What is this? Part 2

Part One is here.

We spent Monday night together at dinner and then walking and talking.  We spent tonight together, dinner again, and went to a musical downtown.  Both nights were great fun.  Both nights had totally annoying moments as well. 

Tonight, at the theatre, he put his arm around me again.  I don't think it was a cuddle move on his part.  But this is the second time in a week that he's done that.  I resisted the urge to snuggle up to him in any way.  I don't know what his intentions are but I keep going back to not being physically attracted to him and thus not flirting or leading men on where there are no intentions on following through.  That is one of my boundaries. 

I'm wondering what is going on in his head.  I really have no idea what he is trying for here.  My first reaction is to go with it.  If he wants to share some physical intimacy, I could handle that.  But again, no physical intimacy or flirting with men I'm not interested in. 

But am I interested?  I feel so confused about so many things right now.  I seem to have a hard time making a decision.  I feel like every decision is rejection.  Sometimes, in my head I feel like moving is not about running towards something, but about rejecting what I have.  And why would I do that, when what I have is so great?  I'm not interested in my friend.  But again, why would I not be, beside the obvious gay factor?  He is really great -- and EVERYONE tells me we should be together.  Most think we are dating.  But for the record, we are not dating. 

Tonight - I feel like I'm 12, raging hormones, unsure about what things mean, embarrassed that I don't understand my own feelings, with no one to call or to check in with because I'm 37, not 12, and at 37 you would think I would know how all of this works.  Hilarious - I'm totally laughing at myself right now.  If I'm this worked up about a gay man who put his arm around me, imagine a real dating experience???!?!?!

I wrote a few weeks ago about how I felt starved for physical touch.  I don't hold hands, cuddle or even hug people on a regular basis.  I get hugs from my nursery kids each week, and from the women in my SA meeting -- but that's about it.  I can go days on end with no touch whatsoever.  It's hard. It can be really hard and feel really lonely and even awkward at times.  It just occurred to me that he probably feels the same way.  He doesn't have nursery kids or an SA group each week either.  We do hug at the end of our evenings together, but that might be the only physical touch he gets?  Could these just be attempts to connect physically?  And is that so terrible?  Could we sit at a movie and cuddle a little bit or hold hands -- would that be bad?  Confusing maybe? But maybe not?  I don't know --

I feel like I'm still searching for the perfect formula or solution.  This doesn't really have to be any more confusing or bad or good than what I make it.  They are my boundaries.  Some of them can be flexible in certain circumstances and some of them cannot. 

When I pull all the layers away -- I know I don't want to be with him in any type of relationship different from what we have.  I couldn't live with him, he annoys me too much.  I am very happy being very close friends.  Tonight he referred to me on the phone as his closest friend.  I would say that about him as well.  So I can put those ideas to rest.  I love him as a friend and nothing more. 

Now I need to examine my boundaries around physical touch.  Am I ok with him putting his arm around me?  Yes.  Hugging? Yes.  Holding hands during a movie?  Yes.  Kissing? No.  Are those boundaries ok?