Help

I started a new book yesterday:  "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Dr. Brene Brown.  I love the book. I love everything about it so far.  I love the place of realness from which she writes.  I love the experiences she shares and the way she describes things. I'm not even half way through but have been deeply moved by the book.  I read this last night: 

"Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart.  When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help."

I attach judgment to receiving help every time I say something like:  I feel stupid asking.... I know I should be able to do this by myself.... I can handle it......  Or, when I ask for help but in the same breath, explain it's not that important.  Example:  If you can, I could really use some help with....... but if you can't, no worries, I can do it by myself. 

The more I've thought about it, the more I realize I have in some way passed judgment on those that I help.  Not necessarily on them, as much as I have on myself.  I attach my own sense of value and worth to helping other people.  I don't necessarily always see them as people, more as objects that make me feel valuable.  This seems to make more sense in my head than it does written out. 

I feel unworthy and burdensome when I ask for help. Giving help makes me feel important and valuable.  By not receiving, I am not allowing others to feel important or valuable.  And by using others to inflate my self-esteem, I'm not seeing them as individuals, but rather as a list of things I must do in order to feel good.  I'm not really happy with this realization about myself.

Since I've entered recovery my interactions with other people have been different and gotten much better.  The last few weeks have been much different.  Since my grandma's passing and the next week that I spent in California with family, my life has been different.  Having the addiction experience that is part of my reality and gaining a deeper understanding of others and their situations have really helped me to see people as individuals with struggles.  We never really understand the deep sorrows others are carrying around.

One of the changing points came for me at an SA meeting.  One woman shared her struggling with negative self talk.  She likened it to being judgmental. She talked about all the negative things that used to go through her heard about other people and how hard she has struggled to get rid of them.  She would pray and ask God to remove the negative thoughts and to help her leave judgment up to Him and not her.  One day while praying she felt the impression that even judging herself through self-talk was God's business and not her own.  That really stuck with me.  Why do I beat myself up so much when God doesn't do that?  Why do I talk negatively to myself, when God would never do that?  Judging other people is not my responsibility at all.  Mine is to be loving and accepting of all people.

I have a serious hip injury, probably requiring a full hip replacement.  My lawn desperately needed mowing, but every time I went out and tried to do yard work, my hip hurt horribly.  Finally, I accepted help, and a family from my ward came over and mowed my lawn last night.  When he accepted my ask for help, I cried for an hour.  Why would he be so willing to help me?  He was amazing.  His family is amazing.  There was no judgment from him, just help.  Can I be that way?  I want to be that way.  I want to help and not pass judgment. I will work on it.