As mentioned before, two of my brothers, their wives, my mom and me had a few heated discussions while I was visiting last week. The discussion started with the gay marriage and homosexuality debate. For the record, I do not support gay marriage. The prophet says no, I say no. That's how it works for me. We were all in agreement about that. But the boys took it one step further and said things like, even defining yourself as gay or homosexual is a sin. I don't believe that is right. One of my very best friends is gay. He wept when he told me, and described the nights of crying himself to sleep or the nights spent on his knees begging for relief. I know him. I know of his goodness. I know of his kindness and worthiness. I have received priesthood blessings by his hands and had miracles performed in my life through those blessings. He did not choose his struggle, but has born it impressively.
During the discussion my brother said: "Even if I knew a man who professed to be gay, but was not acting on it and was worthy in every way, I would not expose my children to him, ever. In the same way, even if I knew an alcoholic who had been sober for 5, 10 or 15 years, I wouldn't want to expose my children to them. I wouldn't expose my children to an addict of any kind."
Though the comment stung a little bit, I wasn't overly upset or concerned. My family doesn't know about my addictions. I challenged him a little bit about his thinking. I feel by avoiding the topic or exposure you disadvantage your children. The exposure will happen, whether you want it to or not. You can control it when they're young, you could do it in a way that opens a dialog and allows you to be in control of what is said. Or you can wait for the exposure to happen on its own and hope and pray that your children will come talk to you about it. Changes are, if they talk about it at school in a shameful way, your child will probably not come talk to you about it because they are already feeling shameful. But that is just my own opinion made up from my experiences in addiction and recovery.
I discussed this on Monday with my therapist and again last night with my friend. I was neither angry nor upset in either discussion. Ultimately, my brothers are saying that I can't be in their lives or the lives of my nephews. I'm an addict. Based on what they said, if they knew, I couldn't be part of their lives. Talk about the ultimate rejection. That is my worst case scenario. All the times my therapist tried to get me to talk to my family about my addiction, I would always go to that place where they wouldn't allow me to be part of their family anymore.
However, I know I would be ok. My family lives in a fantasy world where they think they can protect and barricade themselves in. It is that kind of mentality and thinking that drove me to addiction to begin with. I couldn't deal with my own emotions and had to find an outlet or a way to numb them. My reality includes addiction. My reality includes weekly therapy, a sponsor, weekly recovery meetings, daily recovery journaling and reading and accountability. And I really like my reality. My family might shut me out of their fantasy world where there is no addiction, no pain, no struggling, and no suffering. But then they are also shut out of my reality where there is hope, love, acceptance, validation, empathy, compassion, and joy. I would miss them terribly and it would be a devastation in my life. But -- I couldn't live in that fantasy world anyway.
When I began writing today, I anticipated ending with anger. After my discussion last night, I was angry. But as I wrote, the anger dissipated. One day, my brothers will have to face addiction and homosexuality and homelessness and all of the other horrible things that happen in the world. They will have to challenge their own thought processes and hopefully come to better conclusions. It will be a hard day for them.
The Savior, in his mortal ministry, was accepting of all, the woman in adultery, the harlot, the lepers, the lame, the possessed, the sick, the children, the elderly, the sinners, even the soldiers who killed him. He loved them, spoke with them, healed them, forgave them, hugged them, prayed for them, and counseled them. We can't follow his example barricaded up in a fantasy world where those problems don't exist. I would much rather stay firmly rooted in reality. I'm happier here.
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