Escape

There are some days I can't get myself started to save my life.  Today is one of those days.  I went to bed late, slept in, stayed in bed a little too long, fantasized about making love, nearly masturbated and finally snapped myself out of it and got up.  I have a million things I could be doing, but don't want to do any of them.  I have these days every couple of weeks and have been trying to figure out what brings them on and how to get out of them sooner or prevent them all together.

I think it has to do with feeling overwhelmed.  All of the above behaviors are escaping behaviors.  Staying up late = Trying to escape tomorrow, bringing new things to do
Sleeping Late = Trying to escape the day and doing what is in front of me
Fantasizing = Trying to escape my life or loneliness by creating a fake man and fake relationship
Masturbating = Trying to self-soothe and numb my feelings
Over-eating = Trying to numb my feelings

Yesterday, I ate a bag of sweedish fish. I felt so gross afterwards.  It wasn't a huge bad and it wasn't a feeling of over-eating, just a feeling of shame and grossness.  Too much sugar, too much candy.  YICK!

There is nothing horrible in my life that I need to escape from.  Things are going fairly well actually.  So why the need to escape?  I think it's just the amount of things I need to do.  There are a lot of things to get done and I feel overwhelmed.  I'm usually good at breaking tasks down and getting things done. 

But - no more escaping me for me.  I have stacks of things to get done.  I will go shower, get cleaned up and work.  And I will figure out a way to not get here.  I hate these days.