Shame Triggers

About a year ago I read the book "Healing the Shame That Binds You" by John Bradshaw.  In those pages, a huge life shift happened.  I finally knew why I felt broken inside and with that was developing a compassion for my parents and their own toxic shame.  It was a life changing experience.  More detail is here: Shame

The current book I'm studying "I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't)" by Brene Brown was recommended to me by my Nutritional Therapist.  She is amazing.  The book doesn't spend nearly the same amount of time developing the history of shame in your life or where the shame comes from exactly.  But what I'm really enjoying is the concrete exercises about building shame resilience.  Though I feel confident in my ability to recognize the shame of my past, as new issues emerge in my life, I find myself caught in new shame cycles before I recognize what is going on. 

Brown explains that king of shame, particularly for women, comes from the ideas of "unwanted identities".  We experience a lot of shame when we believe people are seeing us in ways we don't want to be seen.  The women she interviewed used words like: "I don't want to be seen as..." and "I don't want people to think I'm..."  I experienced this just this week.  In a fit of anger and resentment about an activity I was in charge of, someone called me a "child-hater".  Anyone who knows even the littlest about me, knows that is the furthest thing from the truth.  Yet - for three days, I was obsessed over the comment, feeling shameful about the idea that someone I hadn't even met would think that about me.

The exercise involves answering two questions for each of the shame categories.  I found this exercise both AMAZINGLY difficult and AMAZINGLY helpful at the same time.  Here is a beginning list.

Appearance and body image
I want to be perceived as: pretty, stylish, put together, natural, confident, happy, content, healthy,
I do NOT want to be perceived as: lazy, frumpy, trying too hard, overly-obsessed, over-compensating, trendy, ugly, fat, big, incapable, embarrassed about myself

Motherhood
I want to be perceived as: supportive of motherhood, someone who would be a good mom if she had kids, supportive of children, trustworthy of children, good with children, patient, kind, loving
I do NOT want to be perceived as: someone about whom people would say "good thing she doesn't have children", intolerant of children, unsympathetic to the plights of motherhood, judgmental of mothers or children

Family
I want to be perceived as: close-knit, supportive of each other, accepting, healthy
I do NOT want to be perceived as: dysfunctional, crazy, the failure or black sheep of the family, pitiful

Parenting
I want to be perceived as: supportive of parents and the family and their decisions
I do NOT want to be perceived as: judgmental, angry, blaming

Money and Work
I want to be perceived as: money-savvy, affluent, successful, valuable, respected, contributing, carefree
I do NOT want to be perceived as: struggling, poor

Mental and Physical Health
I want to be perceived as: stable, active, healthy, trustworthy, successful, king, considerate
I do NOT want to be perceived as: overly emotional, overly sensitive, controlling

Sex
I want to be perceived as: loving, affectionate, desired, confident
I do NOT want to be perceived as: a sex addict, sex obsessed, easy, desperate

Aging
I want to be perceived as: graceful, accepting, 
I do NOT want to be perceived as: a whiner, complainer, lazy,

Religion
I want to be perceived as: spiritual, faithful, supportive of all faiths, accepting, Christian
I do NOT want to be perceived as: intolerant of others, pious, self-righteous, judgmental

Being Stereotyped and Labeled
I want to be perceived as: kind, intelligent, smart, nerdy,
I do NOT want to be perceived as: judgmental, flighty, ditzy, lonely, a loner, rude,

Speaking Out
I want to be perceived as: knowledgeable, opinionated, tolerant, accepting, articulate
I do NOT want to be perceived as: overly-opinionated, biased, intolerant, judgmental, loud, argumentative, contentious

Surviving Trauma
I want to be perceived as: respectful, strong, capable, wise, better-off
I do NOT want to be perceived as: sissy, complaining, a victim, a survivor