Food

When I started with my nutritional therapist last summer I made two goals: 

1.  I want food to be food and not a source of emotional support. I do not want to have a relationship with food anymore.

2.  I don't want to be afraid to look in the mirror anymore. I want to be secure in who I am and what I look like. 

After months of keeping a food journal and learning anew what it felt like to be hungry and full, food became food.  I remember the few times I overate, when I didn't feel in control of what I was doing, and how sick I felt afterwards. I found no satisfaction in large amounts of cookies or baked goods. Eating full plates at restaurants made me feel sick. I paid attention to how food made me feel physically and learned my own body cues.  I felt a freedom from food I had never experienced.

But one of the real breakthrough moments came at the gym.  I stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom at the gym one night, combing my hair after water aerobics. This incredibly beautiful, thin woman stood next to me in front of the mirror and I watched as she verbally assaulted herself for about 10 minutes. She pulled at her size 2 clothing and said out loud how fat she looked, how horrible her hair was, how blotchy her skin is, how horrible the lines under her eyes look, etc. etc. I just combed my hair and thought to myself, I would do nearly anything to be double her size, even triple her size. And then, something clicked in my head.

What I look like right now does not make me any less worthy of a person. Accepting what I look like right now, no strings attached, does not mean that I give myself permission to continue to not honor my body. I watched and listened to that woman and realized that could be me. Is there ever an "enough"? If I can't accept me, right now, I could be a size 2 and never be happy. I realized in that moment that, I need to love where I am, be grateful for what I have, and continue on the new path I'm trying to make for myself. 

 

Today, I visited with my therapist and we took time to revisit my goals.  I'm incredibly happy to say that I've met those goals.  Food is food to me, there is no emotional comfort through food.  A good example of that is the fact that I lost 6 pounds over Christmas.  The time of the year when there is more sugar around than food, I managed to lose weight.  And I wasn't even trying!! 

 

I cried as I realized how far I had come in just a few short months and I'm even more excited about my new goals and the new things I'm going to accomplish.

Sacred

As I put my shoes on Sunday morning to head to church, my stomach felt incredibly uneasy.  I decided to lay down for a few minutes before leaving.  No more than 10 minutes later, I was hunched over the toilet.  It wasn't a pretty site..... not pretty at all.

My first thought, "I cannot have the stomach flu again!  I just did this two weeks ago."  My second thought, "I am supposed to speak at a fireside tonight!! How am I going to do that???"  Sunday night was the kick-off fireside for the Stake youth production I'm directing. It was my time to explain what we are doing, why we are doing it and to share my testimony of the Book of Mormon.  It couldn't be rescheduled, or postponed.  It was Sunday night. 

Knowing, I needed help, I text my bff and told him about my stomach.  He left church, brought me Gatorade, orange juice, and white bread, and then gave me a priesthood blessing.  Two things were said during the blessing that changed my weekend.  First:  It is important to rest when it is time to rest and you will be strong when it is time to be strong.  Second:  Heavenly Father loves you and is excited about the decisions and projects you are involved in this year. He is excited to see what the coming months bring. 

After spending a little more time in the bathroom, I went to sleep. I knew it was time to rest if I wanted to be strong for the evening. I woke up about 3:30pm and the words went through my head, it is time to be strong.  I got up and felt amazing. My stomach seemed settled and I even felt a little hungry.  I seemed to get stronger the longer I was up. I cleaned up and got dressed. I revisited my talk and prayed for help. I felt prompted to share how sick I was and more importantly the part of my blessing about Heavenly Father being excited, not only for me, but for them.  I practiced the song I was supposed to play that night and then drove to the church building. 

Every moment, I seemed to have more energy. Rehearsal of the musical number went extremely well.  The singers were awesome and sounded great.  I explained to a few people how sick I was, but no one seemed to believe me.  The fireside started and I could feel myself get a little nervous, but still felt secure.  I don't remember everything that I said, but the spirit burned within me. I knew that it was only the Lord's power that was sustaining me, and more importantly, I knew that the words coming out of my mouth were exactly what the Lord wanted me to say.  I knew what to say, and I knew how to say it.  It was amazing. 

The musical number was after my part and it couldn't have been more beautiful.  After the song, I sat down and instantly felt my fever return.  The stake president added his remarks when I was done.  He started by asking how many of the audience had ever witnessed a miracle before.  A few people raised their hands.  He then said everyone should be raising their hands, because what happened with me that night was a miracle.  I was touched by his words.  We sang my favorite hymn for the closing song.  Verse 2 begins "In every condition, in sickness in health......" and ends "As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be."  I cried through the entire verse, knowing that my day demanded I be there that night, and the Lord provided the means for that to happen.

Twenty minutes later when the fireside was over, I was burning up and nauseous again.  I spoke to a few people, but knew I needed to get home.  The stake president walked me to my car, along with my things.  I drove home with tears of gratitude.  The spirit continued to bear witness to me of the success of the evening.  I got home in time to make a mad dash for the bathroom, where I proceeded to vomit for another hour.  Yes -- the Lord had made me strong when it was time to be strong, and losing that strength was a testimony of that.  After the last of the vomiting, I huddled in bed with a high fever.  It finally broke hours later when I woke up in a sweat. 

I spent yesterday in bed, trying to slowing introduce food back into my system.  But today, I have felt nearly 100%. 

One of the women who attended the fireside called today to see how I was feeling.  As she told me about horrible I must have felt, and I did, I thought of also how blessed I felt. My experience Sunday was sacred in so many ways.  But most of all, it was a confirmation to me of the Lord's love and trust. We go along in life and we pray and read and make decisions. We believe we feel confirmation of those decisions, we believe we do the right things. We seek advice and try to be good people. For me, that means seriously working my recovery as well.  Sometimes, I wonder if what I'm doing is really God's will for me.  And then we have sacred moments like these. I can think of a few others in my life as well.  We have moments we can never deny, when we feel at one with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. We have moments where we not only feel, but we KNOW we are doing the right thing.

Sunday was one of those sacred moments.  I will never forget.

Happy

The Primary sharing time yesterday was titled "Heavenly Father's plan is a plan of Happiness."  The woman who taught the lesson did a brillant thing with the senior primary group.  She had a piece of chart paper on the board and she invited children to come and play tic-tac-toe with her.  The rules were that they had to play where she told them to play.  The first three children she let win.  The second three children lost.  After that, she asked for another volunteer, but no one wanted to play.  The comments that came from the children were extremely insightful:

"It's boring to play when you don't get to make choices about where you go."
"I don't like winning when I didn't get to use my own strategy.  I'd rather lose."

Satan's plan was like playing tic-tac-toe according to his rules. He wanted us all to return to Heavenly Father, but we had to do exactly what he told us to do.  She did an amazing job of drawing those parallels and explaining to the children the difference. 

It was a good reminder to me of many things.  After spending a week with my cousins, many of whom are struggling with consequences of some really challenging decisions, I have been really reflective of my own situation and happiness level. 

Am I happy?  Hell, yeah!  Am I perfect? No. Is my life what I want it to be?  Not yet. Have I made some horrible decisions?  Yes!  Do I always make good decisions?  No.  Am I struggling?  Yes.  Do I have days of loneliness, sadness, anger, grief and frustration? Absolutely!  But am I happy?  Yes.

My happiness journey has been interesting. I went through a phase where happiness was derived from things -- shoes, clothes, computers, cars, phones, etc.  If I had enough things, I would be happy.  During another phase, I felt my happiness could only come from a relationship -- I never had enough friends, and persued every relationship opportunity presented to me, thinking that would make me happy.  One period of time, I felt happiness would only come from appearance -- I did some dangerous things to my body and spend way to much money trying desperately to lose weight and look a certain way.  If I was pretty enough, I would be happy. I've gone through the perfection phase, almost killing myself trying to be absolutely perfect in every way so I could be happy. 

Today - I choose happiness. I laugh things off. I give people the benefit of the doubt. I cut myself slack. And I realize the only true source of happiness is the direction your life is headed.

Grandma

Deaths are interesting things. 

My grandmother (dad's mom) passed away in 2009. I wasn't involved in any of the arrangements for anything and simply flew in and out for the services.  But I learned several things about her at her funeral that made me appreciate her in even more. 

When my dad passed away in 2011, I was heavily involved in all of the arrangements. I had been living with them and taking care of him 24/7 for the previous two months.  I was involved in all of the medical decisions and all of the funeral decisions.  Yet, when he passed, I learned more and more about him.  I continue to gain a better appreciation for him and who he was the longer he is gone.

Now I sit here in California for the passing of my other grandmother, my mom's mom.  This one is a little different. My grandmother and I were close. I was named after her mother and that always seemed to bond us. We share a love of music and art. She was always very supportive of me.  My siblings and I spent nearly every Sunday afternoon and evening at her house.  I have very fond memories of the time I spent with her.  I've learned a few things about her since her passing, but not many.  What is interesting to me this time is to listen to other people tell stories.  I am fascinated about what other people remember her for.  Their memories feel so different from mine.

Why do we filter so much of who we are?  These three significant people in my life who have all passed away were bigger than the people I knew. 

My dad's dad wrote children's books.  I have a dream of writing children's books. I've started a few, though I've never finished them.  She had two written, though never published.  I wish I would have known that.

My dad was a poet. He wrote poem after poem about his feelings and life and experiences. I never knew that until after he passed.  I, too, share a love of poetry.  He expressed his feelings and thoughts so well in words. I wish we could have shared that.

My mom's mom will forever be the woman I knew, loved and admired.  In this case, I feel like the fortunate one. What other people remember my grandma for, the painting, the food, the color pink, the clean house, the fruit dip, and the lighthouses were an important part of who she was, but they are not the first things I remember when I think of her.  I remember the thousands of leprosy bandages she personally crocheted, or the thousands of quilts she personally made every year to donate to the NICU.  I remember the millions of names she indexed for family history, first by hand using cards, next on the computer before indexing was popular.  She would tell me stories about different batches she had done and the feeling of that batch.  I remember her perfect VT record.  I remember her love of the prophet Joseph Smith and all the church books she used to read.  And most of all, I remember the experiences she shared with me about her life, particularly about her time as the Relief Society President.

One experience has always stood out to me.
Grandma was the Relief Society president when Ezra Taft Benson was the prophet.  He stood up in General Conference one year and challenged the church members to flood the earth with the Book of Mormon.  He emphasized the importance of the book and challenged each church member to read it every day.  Grandma felt the importance of that challenge.  She told me the spirit burned inside her and she knew she needed to encourage the sisters to read the Book of Mormon.  But - she had never read it herself.  Grandma did not have much of an education. Reading was difficult for her.  However, she said the spirit was so strong she knew what she needed to do.  She got down on her knees and pleaded with the Lord.  She made a deal, that if he would help her read the Book of Mormon, she promised that she would only read church books and church material the rest of her life.  She picked up the Book and began reading.  She finished it in two days.  The next week, when she got up in Relief Society to challenge the sisters to heed the prophet, she was able to also bear her testimony of the Book of Mormon and the truthfulness of it.  If you walk into my grandmother's office, it is full of church books.  A living testimony to how she kept up her end of the deal. 

Thank you grandma, for your amazing example of service and love.  I am a better person for having known you.  I love you and miss you.

California

California will always be my home.  When people ask me where I'm from, California comes out before I have a chance to stop and think.  I was born there, grew up there, went to college there, taught there, loved there, and developed serious sex and food addictions there, which is the biggest reason I ultimately left there. 

I left California in 2008 and didn't return for four years. Last September, I went for 10 days to visit my grandparents and the beach.  It was a healing time for me. I took two days and traced the steps of my life.  I drove past all my houses and all my schools. I thought about my life and my childhood. I wrote and wrote and wrote about feelings and experiences. In many ways, I re-processed my life.  Knowing what I do now about my parents and their families, knowing what I know about addiction and my life, things, quite literally, looked different. I cried for hours and left a different, a better, person.  It was a sacred time for me, where I faced many, many demons from my life and stood my ground.  It was the beginning of a new life for me.  When I flew home, I knew I would never go back until my grandmother passed.  I just never expected it to be so soon.

Tomorrow I leave for another 5 days in Cali.  I have mixed feelings about it.  I'm sad about the loss of my grandma, but happy her suffering is over.  I'm excited to see all my siblings and their children, but anxious over visiting with my cousins and aunts.  I'm excited to spend time in warmer weather with more sunshine, but frustrated over the family drama already unfolding.

What I am most grateful for right now, is the feeling of empowerment I have in my life right now.  I don't allow things to just happen to me anymore without my permission. This will be a long, emotional, difficult week, but it won't be without good moments. It won't be without good boundaries.  It won't be full of co-dependent self-sacrificing to the point of physical and emotional exhaustion or loss of myself.  It won't be like that because I don't live like that anymore.

Call

My grandma passed away yesterday at 2:30pm.  It wasn't surprising, but it wasn't expected either.  She has been struggling with emphysema.  I have a lot to say about her and I will, but that is not what is troubling me right now. 

Right this very moment, I want to call Steve.  Not because I want to act out, because I don't. It's really the furthest thing from my mind.  What I want that Steve has is history.  This is my mother's mom and her family.  They are crazy and I really mean that.  The next week, as I talk to all of them and visit California and see all of them is going to be amazingly difficult.  I want to call him and say -- can you believe this? I don't know what to say to my aunt? Or what am I going to say to my cousins? How do I talk to my cousin who is a full-blown sex addict? Or my other cousins struggling with addiction? What do I say?  He knows all of the details of the family and all of the drama. He lived through it with me.  He will know how very difficult this will be for me. He will know, more than anyone else, the issues I'm facing. 

I could call another friend, but it would take hours to explain the background and they still probably won't get it.  They weren't there, they didn't live it or see me through it. I want the comfort of familiarity and recognition. I want the known. 

Now -- I know I can't call Steve.  Let me rephrase that, I could call Steve, but I won't call Steve. I can't connect with him like that anymore.  Not because of who he is or what he is, but because of who I am and what I am.  This has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.  I am a valuable person with boundaries. I was manipulated and used by him and I don't allow people to do that to me anymore.  So as much as I miss the good parts about our relationship, because there were many, I don't continue relationships with people who manipulate and abuse me.  I live congruently. 

And that is where I am at. 

Congruency

Today I begin my journey back to the land of the living.  I have been so desperately sick for the past week, I haven't done much but try and take care of myself.  Get enough sleep, eat good foods and rest.  That was about all I could manage.  And that was enough.

But today is different. 

Last week, my therapist asked me to make some goals for my life this year.  Make some goals, decisions, lists of things I wanted to accomplish or focus on this year. This is something I have done for the last few years anyway. I have folders on my computer titled "2011 Life Plan" and "2012 Life Plan".  I make PowerPoint presentations and goals for the year and then break them down into monthly goals with lists of things to accomplish.  I'm very ambitious that way.  For about 5-6 months, I diligently update them with pictures, dates, and accomplishments.  Every month I re-evaluate my life and make plans to get even more done.  They have been really good for me.

This year, as I've been really sick the last week, I've really been thinking about these goals and where I really want my life to be different and what I want to focus on. I've come to some conclusions.

My goal for 2013 is Congruency:  "Someone who lives with congruency acts in direct accordance with their dreams, desires, beliefs, values, mission and goals."   There are many areas of my life where I am not living congruently.  I've identified six:  Use of Time, Organization, Eating Habits, Relationships, Activity Level, and Career.

Use of Time:  I squander my time. I want to watch less TV, spend less time on the computer and focus my time more. I believe play is an important part of every day. I don't want to stop having fun or allowing myself time to rest or chill out a little bit.  I just want it to be less time.

Organization:  I'm not as organized as I want to be or as I could be.  I have good systems in place, I just don't utilize them as much as I want to. I want to have better routines in place so things don't pile up, like paper, laundry, clothes, cleaning. If I spent a few minutes every day doing things rather than an hour every Saturday, I'd live a little bit more organized.

Eating Habits:  I've made great strides the last year in my food addiction. But I want to go the next step. I feel like I've broken the addictive habit I have with food. I've broken the relationship that is there. But now I really want to start eating for health. I want to start eating for performance. Food is just food, but now I want to start using it to my advantage.

Activity Level: I'm not living the active life I want. I want to be more outside, more involved in nature. I want to get out and see more.  This has to do with travel, with hiking, with walking, with yard work, with everything. I sit home. I don't want to sit home.  I feel I get overwhelmed because of the poor use of my time and organization. If I could deal with those better, I could get out more.

Career:  I need a job.  I need a job that I love. I haven't really been looking until the last few weeks. It's time now. I need to find something that I love, where I can contribute and feel good about it. Where I am appreciated and get to use my talents, skills, and abilities. 

Relationships:  I feel different about life and relationships recently.  I've been putting boundaries in place enough to finally realize I can maintain myself and be in a relationship.  I don't have to allow people to take priority over me. I don't feel so desperate or attention starved that I have no other option but to say yes to things I don't want to do.  I want to find new relationships both friends and dating that I can develop. I want to develop better relationships with my family. 

All of that sounds really ambitious.  I don't expect to be perfect at it. I only expect to get a little better at it every day.  Starting today.

Mom

I'm sick.  I've been sick for nearly a week.  I woke up New Year's Day with a horrible head cold. It's gotten worse every day.  I haven't been able to sleep for days.  Literally, I've had about 3 hours a night for four days.  Yesterday's new symptom was a cough. It's not a productive cough, just a dry, rough, uncontrollable cough that hurts like hell.  Seriously hurts.

It's similar to what asthma feels like. Last night, a coughing fit started and I thought it was never going to stop. I really thought I was never going to catch my breath again. It reminded me of an asthma attack I had when I was about 19.  But last night, I thought I was going to die. It hurt.

I did what my mom used to when I was little.  I boiled water and with the pot on the table, put my head over the steam and made a tent over my head and the pot with a towel.  Breathing in the steam put moisture back into my lungs and I could feel the tightness release.  I've had to do that twice today.

I called my mom this afternoon to talk to her about my cough. I heard her voice and instantly started crying.  No matter how old I get, she is still my mommy and I am still her little girl and need her to tell me everything will be ok.  And as much as I sometimes struggle with my mom, she is always there and tonight gave me the reassurance I needed, as well as some other great suggestions. 

My mom really is amazing.  As the daughter of an alcoholic, which she will never admit to, she has overcome much to be where she is at. I've suffered and struggled with much of what she hasn't overcome, but I can forgive and let it go.  And with a few boundaries of my own, I can have a solid relationship with her.  I am grateful for that.

Direction

I feel disoriented right now. What direction should I be going? What should I be doing? Where should my focus be? It doesn't help that I have a serious head cold. Everything feels fuzzy.  I hate it.

Living in the in between is difficult.  In some ways I feel better about my life than I ever have. But I can see where I want it to be and don't feel like I have the ability to get there. And then, in some areas, I don't feel like I'm making any progress at all.  I have therapy today -- he'll just remind me of how far I've come.  It's a good reminder. I have come a long way. But living in this grey area is so hard for me.

New

Well here it is -- a new year.  2013.  I saw on Facebook today that it is the first year since 1987 with four different digits in it.  That's true, I checked.

I read through some old writings the other day.  On my 33rd birthday, I wrote how I was so excited because it was divisible by 11.  You don't get very many birthday years divisible by 11.

Well this year it's 37.  37 is prime.  I'd like to think this will be one of my prime years. 

2011 was not a great year.  It began with my sisters split up and divorce.  Next, I learned the man I was practically engaged to was already married with children. It took a few weeks to say goodbye to him and so I had a bit of an affair.  Not one of my proud moments.  My dad was diagnosed with brain cancer. I started recovery and therapy, spent 6 months at my parents house taking care of my dad, and finally my dad passed away on Dec. 30, 2011. 

2012 was better, but not great.  Began with a funeral, then a terrible year at work. I continued therapy, and actually started food therapy as well.  I finally quit my job after a battle.  I found out my hip has some issues and will need a hip replacement. My mom has been seriously struggling and there have been some significant family struggles. 

2013 - what will you hold for me? 

I can tell you what I want it be........

1.  I want to find a job that I love.
2.  I want to start dating again.
3.  I want to make physical activity a bigger part of my life.
4.  I want to eat out less and make better quality food.
5.  I want to live alone again, and not with my sister anymore.
6.  I want to be more organized.
7.  I want to think of other people before I think of myself.
8.  I want to spend the entire year sober.
9.  I want to build better relationships with my family. 
10. I want to craft again -- make things and use my crafty stuff.
11. I want to take a trip just for me by myself.
12. I want to build bonds with my nephews and my niece.
13. I want to make more music... sing, play, arrange, publish, all of it.

Thirteen things for 2013.

What I really want right now though -- is for my head to drain of all this congestion and to not have  cold.  So off to bed I go early... hoping tomorrow I'll feel better.  Much, much better.