Food

When I started with my nutritional therapist last summer I made two goals: 

1.  I want food to be food and not a source of emotional support. I do not want to have a relationship with food anymore.

2.  I don't want to be afraid to look in the mirror anymore. I want to be secure in who I am and what I look like. 

After months of keeping a food journal and learning anew what it felt like to be hungry and full, food became food.  I remember the few times I overate, when I didn't feel in control of what I was doing, and how sick I felt afterwards. I found no satisfaction in large amounts of cookies or baked goods. Eating full plates at restaurants made me feel sick. I paid attention to how food made me feel physically and learned my own body cues.  I felt a freedom from food I had never experienced.

But one of the real breakthrough moments came at the gym.  I stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom at the gym one night, combing my hair after water aerobics. This incredibly beautiful, thin woman stood next to me in front of the mirror and I watched as she verbally assaulted herself for about 10 minutes. She pulled at her size 2 clothing and said out loud how fat she looked, how horrible her hair was, how blotchy her skin is, how horrible the lines under her eyes look, etc. etc. I just combed my hair and thought to myself, I would do nearly anything to be double her size, even triple her size. And then, something clicked in my head.

What I look like right now does not make me any less worthy of a person. Accepting what I look like right now, no strings attached, does not mean that I give myself permission to continue to not honor my body. I watched and listened to that woman and realized that could be me. Is there ever an "enough"? If I can't accept me, right now, I could be a size 2 and never be happy. I realized in that moment that, I need to love where I am, be grateful for what I have, and continue on the new path I'm trying to make for myself. 

 

Today, I visited with my therapist and we took time to revisit my goals.  I'm incredibly happy to say that I've met those goals.  Food is food to me, there is no emotional comfort through food.  A good example of that is the fact that I lost 6 pounds over Christmas.  The time of the year when there is more sugar around than food, I managed to lose weight.  And I wasn't even trying!! 

 

I cried as I realized how far I had come in just a few short months and I'm even more excited about my new goals and the new things I'm going to accomplish.