I left California in 2008 and didn't return for four years. Last September, I went for 10 days to visit my grandparents and the beach. It was a healing time for me. I took two days and traced the steps of my life. I drove past all my houses and all my schools. I thought about my life and my childhood. I wrote and wrote and wrote about feelings and experiences. In many ways, I re-processed my life. Knowing what I do now about my parents and their families, knowing what I know about addiction and my life, things, quite literally, looked different. I cried for hours and left a different, a better, person. It was a sacred time for me, where I faced many, many demons from my life and stood my ground. It was the beginning of a new life for me. When I flew home, I knew I would never go back until my grandmother passed. I just never expected it to be so soon.
Tomorrow I leave for another 5 days in Cali. I have mixed feelings about it. I'm sad about the loss of my grandma, but happy her suffering is over. I'm excited to see all my siblings and their children, but anxious over visiting with my cousins and aunts. I'm excited to spend time in warmer weather with more sunshine, but frustrated over the family drama already unfolding.
What I am most grateful for right now, is the feeling of empowerment I have in my life right now. I don't allow things to just happen to me anymore without my permission. This will be a long, emotional, difficult week, but it won't be without good moments. It won't be without good boundaries. It won't be full of co-dependent self-sacrificing to the point of physical and emotional exhaustion or loss of myself. It won't be like that because I don't live like that anymore.
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