Change

I can't even begin to explain the change that has happened to me in the past 24 hours. 

For the past 36 years, I have been living with an immense amount of internalized toxic shame.  Toxic.  The cards were stacked against me from the beginning. 

My parents married young and began having children right away.  Melody was born only 10 months after they had began their lives together.  They were happy, and my mom soon became pregnant again.  She carried the next child nearly full term.  A few days before the due date, mom said there was a violent kicking inside her womb. Two days later she delivered a still born little girl, Annjeanette. 

They had a fundamental difference in opinion about the status of this little girl.  My mom completely believed that Annjeanette was a member of their new family, sealed to them for time and all eternity.  My dad believed that Annjeanette hadn't received her mortal body and would need to come to earth in a different body.  I can't imagine the rift this would cause between two people, especially two emotionally immature crippled people, like my parents.

I was born 14 months later.  From my earliest memories Melody told me how much better her life was before I was born.  I can imagine that was true.  After losing a child, I'm sure they doted on the little girl they did have.  She was also the first grandchild of both sides of the family.  The grandparents also made sure Melody was taken care of and the center of attention. 

Enter the little sister.  I might not like me either. Her life probably was better before I was born.  She had all the attention, she was the center of attention, she was everything.  My mom believed I was a new little soul.  My dad believed I was Annjeanette with a new body. 

From the beginning I was ashamed to be alive.

But today, I'm choosing not to be ashamed.  I read this book, and the shame is starting to fall away.  I'm loving every minute of it.