Flowers

Today is Valentine's Day.  For as long as I can remember, flowers would be delivered with a poem as well.  But recently my father died.  Brain cancer.

I knew today would be a hard day, not only for me, but for my mom and my sisters.  Wanting to ease their pain, I enlisted the help of my brothers, assinging each a sister or my mother to deliver flowers to.  One sister posted on Facebook how amazingly grateful and happy she was.  My oldest brother took care of my mom, dropping flowers at her house tonight and making sure she felt loved.  I dropped flowers off at at my sister's school today.  Though she hasn't said anything about them, she is in a very good mood tonight.  Last night she cried about not expecting flowers today.  So the day must not have been too bad, huh?

But what about me?  Did anyone remember me?  No.  Did I receive flowers?  No. I thought somehow my brothers would remember me.  I thought that after explaining how important this was and assigning them sisters to take care of, one of them would think - what about Amy?  She needs flowers, too.  But no.  No one remembered me. 

I fix.  That is what I do.  I make sure every ones needs are taken care of.  I anticipate what I think their feelings and needs will be and take care of them.  I take care of people.  I fix their situations. I rescue them. 

But who rescues me? No one.  And am I really rescuing people?  Maybe I'm hurting them?  Maybe not letting them feel the consequences of things isn't helping them or me?

I feel ashamed of having needs.  I feel ashamed that I feel bad about not receiving flowers today.  I shouldn't feel bad or sad or ashamed of that.  Why do I?