Friday

Every Friday for the past six months I drag myself out of bed at 6am, get ready for the day and hit a 7am SA meeting at a local church.  The first time I went, I sat outside in the parking lot for about 10 minutes before I had the courage to walk in. I'm the only woman who attends the group.  It was the first mixed meeting I ever went to. 

I LOVE this meeting.  Ever week there are men who gather with a lot of sobriety.  Some 5, 6 or even 7 years of solid sobriety.  They attend a weekly meeting and still make phone calls.  At the beginning of recovery they talk about having people whose sobriety you admire.  These were some of the first people I associated with about whom I could say "I want my sobriety to look like that!"  The men are incredibly kind to me, the lone woman. My crying doesn't seem to affect them, which I'm grateful for, and they have amazingly powerful things to say. 

We read from SA literature every week and then share about insights we had from the reading. I am often amazed at how many feelings we all seem to have in common. Deep down at our core, I think we all want the same thing. We want to be told we matter, we want to feel loved and secure, we want permission to be ourselves, to make mistakes, to have an opinion, and through it all feel valued. 

I really struggle with this. My entire life, my self-worth has been tied to accomplishment and service. I have only felt of value when I could ease some one's burden. Wanting, needing, seeking my own dreams or opinions was selfish. 

• Wanting friends was selfish, I should just be a friend to others.
• Wanting to be good at something was selfish, I should only use my talents to serve others. 
• Having needs was selfish, that made me a burden to someone else.
• Wanting things done a certain way was selfish, I should be tolerant and flexible to everyone around me.
• Needing help was selfish, I should be independent and do things for myself.
• Feeling was selfish, I should be of help to others regardless of how I was feeling.

Writing those statements is hard for me, because I still feel very much the same way. I'm so conflicted about having needs and desires and being selfish.  They feel very much the same thing. 

How do I learn to value myself? How do I learn to have dreams?  It doesn't feel safe. It makes me anxious and scared and shameful.