For therapy homework this week, I've had to do a lot of analysis work on my family or origin. It's left me feeling 11, vulnerable on the playground all over again. I really do not like it.
In an attempt to be more open with my sister and try and be honest, I asked her thoughts on one of the exercises. There are two statements that describe an Open vs. Closed family system and the participant is asked to select which statement is true for their family. I had answered the questions, and then started reading them to my sister. Mistake.
Did we even grow up in the same family? Why are her and my experiences so vastly different. They felt like night and day. We didn't agree on a single statement. I finished early as I felt the resentment start to build inside me. Was she really able to feel, so say what she wanted? Were her mistakes forgiven? Did she get to choose how she participated in the family? Why didn't I have that experience? For days, I've been caught up in these resentment feelings. If that was really her experience, then life is really not fair. Why couldn't I have grown up in that kind of environment? And how in the world did we grow up in the same family?? I've been angry for days about this.
Yesterday, as I thought, prayed and meditated about it, I had a moment of clarity. We sang Nephi's Courage in Primary yesterday. It's one of our favorite songs in Primary. They sing it with conviction and love. All of the sudden things clicked for me. Nephi's older brothers grew up in the same family as he did, with a prophet as a father. They saw angels, had spiritual experiences and yet took a very different path in life. Their interpretation of things from their childhood led to some of the most gruesome wars on the American Continent. No matter what Nephi thought or tried, they had their own decisions to make and their own paradigm.
Now, I'm not Nephi - in fact in some cases, I would say I was more on Laman and Lemuel's side. But it answered the question for me. How do two people grow up in the same situation and have vastly different experiences? It's all about how you look at it. We are each vastly unique with different needs, talents and abilities. We have to trust that Heavenly Father will give us the experiences that we need and we, in turn, have to take those challenges and learn from them.
Hey hun, hope I'm not intruding by commenting... But this is my situation as well. With me I always knew that I didn't quite "fit" in my family. For whatever reason my parents meshed better with my brother and my sister and so they gave them more attention, more leniency, dare I say more love. I did not feel wanted in my family, I did not feel seen or acknowledged. I am sure that my sister and brothers' opinions on those questions would've been completely different than my own.
ReplyDeleteLove you Amy. I know that we are all married, but understand we feel very alone too. Our husbands, our confidents, have betrayed us and I definitely don't feel like I can go to him. I'm here if you need me.