Addict?

In my attempts to be more honest and authentic I have shared with some people that I see a therapist.  Now, depending on the person, I don't always tell them the details.  Busting out with "I'm a sex addict" isn't always the best thing to do.  But, I do try to talk about some of the issues I face, co-dependency, enmeshment, shame, etc.  I've learned that naming something and saying it out loud somehow breaks the spell.

Tonight I went to a presentation and dinner with a friend.  As we talked over dinner he told me of a recent conversation he had with a co-worker.  During this conversation the woman told him multiple times that she was "broken" and felt fundamentally flawed.  That is a feeling I know far too well.  He took issue with the word "broken" and challenged her on it, explaining that people like Jeffery Dahmer or Adolph Hitler were broken people, and though she might have some "issues", she was not broken.  I listened to him tell the story with interest.  I have said for a long time that I feel fundamentally flawed, that something is wrong with me and I can't figure it out or fix it.  Sometimes it felt like everyone had some secret they were withholding from me and if I could just figure it out, I could fix my life. 

Knowing what I know now, I could agree with him.  I am not broken, nor is his co-worker.  But it has taken me a long time to get to this place.  The turning point was reading the book "Healing the Shame That Binds You" by John Bradshaw.  One way to identify the people that carry a lot of toxic shame is this feeling of unique brokenness, like the world holds a secret you can't figure out.  The book provided a list of emotional skills most people learn as children.  A flood of relief washed over me as I read the list, knowing I had none of the skills, but now knowing the secret.  I couldn't connect to people, couldn't relate or sustain relationships because I didn't have any of the healthy emotional skills on the list.  BUT - at least there was a list!!!!  I could learn them. I could figure it out, work on it and heal.  Sharing my experience with him tonight was healing.  For the first time, I said out loud, I am not broken.  I AM NOT BROKEN!!!  And I could feel the truth in it as I said it. 

As we drove home after dinner, he asked a few more questions about my therapy.  He seems to be strangely fascinated by it.  I've always tried to be as honest as I feel I can be with him, but there are things I hold back.  "I'm proud of you", he said tonight.  "Lots of people aren't willing to face their issues or deal with them head on.  Most are worried that seeing a therapist makes them a bad person, like an addict or something.  It's not like you're an addict.  You're much more normal than that."

Amazing how the pendulum swings!  Earlier this evening I felt so free. I am not broken and it felt so healing to share that moment with him.  Yet, not even an hour later with the same person, I felt incredibly shameful about being an addict.

Little does he know.........  and that's probably for the best.  Addiction is so misunderstood.