Claiming Me

Something woke up inside me during a walk this morning. 

The last few months have been so discouraging to me physically.  Despite all my attempts to lose weight, I'm not.  Despite my better eating habits and work on my food addiction, I seem to hover at about the same weight.  After appointments with two specialists, multiple X-rays and additional MRIs nothing can be done about the pain in my hip.  A replacement is my only option, but they all say I need to wait as long as possible before the procedure.  Despite all the work about loving myself, accepting myself, and working at self-care, I felt my only course of action was resignation.  This is my life.  I can't be physically active because it hurts, I can't lose weight because being physically active is painful. I've been discouraged about feeling resigned to not lead the active life I want to live. 

This morning, discouraged, I allowed myself to get sucked into three hours of catching up on TV shows with the DVR.  But then -- I changed my mind.  I got dressed and went on a two mile walk.  After taking some preventative paid meds (OTC stuff, don't worry), I pushed myself through two miles. 

I noticed a distinct change in self-talk. Rather than focus on the pain, I kept telling myself I could do this.  Rather than just suck it up, I found myself experimenting with different foot or body positions  that might lessen the pain, and found some.  I looked around and enjoyed the beautiful spring blooming everywhere.  And I kept pushing forward. 

Rounding the last corner onto my street a voice whispered "Your body is worth fighting for".  The words sunk deep inside me.  I've spent the last two years fighting for my soul.  Facing my fears, my addictions, my mistakes, my misdeeds, the darkness that resides inside me.  And I've won.  I continue to stare it down everyday, every time it rears it's ugly head, I dig deep and find the courage and strength to fight the battle and win again. 

Having a physical body is so important that Satan and his followers resort to possessing animals the bible tells us.  The privilege of having a physical body was something I fought for in the pre-mortal life.  It was so important that Heavenly Father lost 1/3 of his children from the conflict. 

Just as I've worked diligently and relentlessly to reclaim my soul, it is time to claim my body.  I don't say reclaim because I don't know that it was ever mine.  I don't know that I have ever understood its needs, desires, wants,  power, strength, beauty, or its rightful place in my life.  I used it, abused it, and addicted it to a variety of things.  No more.

I will claim my physical body as part of me.  I will learn what it needs, what it likes, how it likes to be dressed, what types of physical activity it likes, how strong it is and how beautiful it is.  I will learn to set boundaries about who can touch it and under what conditions. I will eat things that will make it strong and healthy.  I will push it and find its limits.  I will take care of it.  And eventually I won't talk about it in third person like it is separate from me, but will feel comfortable in my own skin and it will become me, a sacred part of whom I am and  we won't be at war anymore.

It beings -- one day at a time.  Just like my sobriety continues -- one day at a time.  Today is Day 1.