I've done a lot in those four weeks. Gone camping twice, attended two family reunions and two soccer games. I went to Idaho and spent a day with my aunt and uncle and down to my brother's house for family gatherings. In between all of that, I've unpacked, rearranged the house, tried to break into the recovery scene here and get acquainted with my new ward. It's definitely been a busy four weeks.
It's also been extremely difficult in some ways. I've cried myself to sleep a few times out of sheer loneliness. Attending new SA meetings and trying to build a recovery support group here has been difficult. I've asked for phone numbers and tried to build time to talk with people, only to be shut down more than once. The intense pressure I feel around my family to be perfect in every way has been extremely challenging. Trying to figure out where that pressure comes from is my new therapy assignment. Being here, watching the struggles and drama play out continuously is also challenging. The rescuer in me is learning to let go of things. I dearly miss my friends, students, and ward in Washington.
But today --- I woke up feeling differently. I've been praying and studying and working and trying to be strong, to feel secure, to know I'm on the right path. And today, I woke up with that confirmation. I sang in the shower, looked myself in the mirror and thought about how beautiful I was. I called my mom and had an incredibly enjoyable afternoon with her. I visited my brother and my nephews and loved them. I read my scriptures and felt the spirit touch my heart. I drove around and contemplated how beautiful it is here and I arrived home feeling incredibly strong, secure, safe, confident and right.
I'm not naïve enough to feel like all my lonely days are going to be gone now. Nor do I believe this will make all my family pressures and issues go away. I know things will continue to be hard and I will continue to make mistakes and live and grow. But today, those things don't scare me. Today, who I am right now, with all my flaws and imperfections, is enough.
This new stage of my life is not about being a better person. This stage is about letting myself be seen. I love who I am. I love being tall, with my big cute feet. I love having large shoulders. I love my voice and the way I talk. I love that I am tenderhearted and cry easily. I love that I break for all things chocolate and watch Doctor Who episodes over and over again. I love my eye for color, my ear for music and my artistic handwriting. I love that I am bothered by homelessness and the state of education in this country. I love the scriptures and the temple. I am anti-abortion, but will always vote pro-life, because I believe in agency and choice. Singing the National Anthem or watching soldiers come home always makes me cry. I am really quite amazing. And rather than hide that away, feeling like I don't measure up because I've never been married, I'm ready to live my life, love my life and let that be enough. Because I am enough and I've always been enough.
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