- I got through all of it without even thinking about acting out. Seriously never crossed my mind.
- I've been feeling much stronger and healthier lately. I was able to run around and play with these 3 kids ages 8, 6 and 3 without feeling tired, without having my back or body ache and with energy to spare.
- Though my blogging wasn't up-to-date, I kept up with the rest of my recovery activities through the week.
Anger: No real anger. My sister made me mad tonight with a few comments, but even those were more frustration than anger. She is so co-dependent.
Fear: I learned this week that one of my really close friends is gay. This doesn't pose a problem for me in the way that I love or treat him. We had a very interesting conversation about the policies of the church in regards to homosexuality. He obviously knows a lot more than I do on the subject. As he told me some of his experiences with various church leaders over the years, I was shocked at some of their interactions. He is struggling right now with various issues and topics. I am a little fearful for him. I think he's approaching leaving the church. I don't know what the right answer is for him or his situation. It makes me a little fearful to not know the answer to anything. I can see why he would leave and why he wouldn't. It's just an uncertain situation and it's bothering me.
Pain: No real pain -- hip is doing well, though I haven't done exercise for a few days.
Shame: No real shame for any reason.
Guilt: I'm bailing on a party tonight. I was so excited to go and bought a costume and everything, but I just feel really crummy and want to lay in bed and sleep. I feel bad about not going.
Loneliness: I have had a lot of loneliness off and on the past few days. I LOVED having kids around all the time. People to talk to about their day and their life and how they view the world. It was awesome. When I dropped them off with their aunt last night, I missed them. Also - learning about my friend and his struggle with loneliness, made me feel really lonely as well. I can really relate to that desire to have someone to share your life with. Not being around my sister for a few days and interacting with normal people really made me lonely. I need more normal, functioning people in my life. There were four really cute new babies at the baby shower this morning. I want a baby. I want a family. My mom once said I wasn't a baby person because she never sees me hold babies. Truth is, I can't stop the tears when I hold a baby, so I don't pick them up. I know holding them will put me over the top emotionally. I just watch them. I can keep my emotions in check if I just watch and don't hold.
Love: In contrast to the loneliness, I do feel loved. I have felt more loved this past week than I have in a long time. There were so very many tender mercies from Heavenly Father this last week. So many times, I knew He was watching me, helping me, guiding me. I know He loves me. There have been so many connections in my head this past week, so many great things I've learned, just so much. I am incredibly grateful to Heavenly Father for all that He does for me, and for the incredible amount of love I feel from Him.
Joy: Life is good. do I struggle? yes. Will I always struggle? Yes. But life is just good right now.
Passion: Nope -- bored sexually, bored in dating, bored with passion.
And there it is..... cold medicine, here I come!
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