Rejection

I've been doing a lot of work in therapy creating my addiction interaction map.  According to Patrick Carnes, in the workbook "Recovery Zone: Volume 1" (click here to check it out on Amazon), all addicts have addictive tendencies and problems in other areas of their lives.  That is definitely true for me in my life. Some of the things I struggle with: sex, work, food, personal ads, perfectionism, seeking/staying with troubled people, pathological rescuing and becoming a hero, co-dependency, traumatic bonding, fear of rejection, self-righteous judging, critical nature, caffeine.  Some of these could be considered additions in their own right. I definitely have an eating disorder, an addiction to food. I also have a serious problem with perfectionism. 

After weeks of examining each area, giving examples and analyzing the impact they have had in my life, I had to create an addiction timeline, showing when and how each area presented in my life and the cycles they took. It was hard, grueling work.

As I presented my timeline and addiction interaction map to my therapist this week, something clicked inside me. All of the sudden everything made sense to me. With tears, streaming down my face, I couldn't talk for a number of minutes as things all fell into place.  Let me see if I can explain.

I was a good kid. I was happy, talented, and kind. I never remember learning to play the piano, I could just do it. No one ever taught me to draw, yet at 10 years old, I was accepted to art school after I submitted my first drawing. I swam on a swim team and won 1st place ribbons at every meet. I loved school and learned quickly. Yet, my life was full of rejection.

My older sister constantly told me over and over again how much better her life was before me. She told me how much people hated me and only pretended to be my friend.  My mom would cry for days and then leave us with dad for a few days nearly every month.  Dad would tell us we needed to be better children and mom would quit leaving. Yet, no matter how much I tried, mom still left.  I was on and off steroids the first five years of life because of some serious breathing issues I had. There are physical consequences I still deal with daily, but as a child I had a very round, puffy, steroid face. Kids made fun of me for that. I was also very tall, taller than my fourth grade teacher actually. Another reason children choose to make fun of me.

I couldn't reconcile all of this in my head. I liked who I was, I loved music and singing, loved to draw, loved to do mathematics and read.  I loved my family and tried to do everything I could for them. I loved Heavenly Father and tried to be very good. Yet, no matter how hard I tried, no one seemed to want me. Not my sister, not my mom, not my dad, no one at school, no one.  I felt rejected everywhere I went and in everything I did. I ran away once as a little girl. I went to the park and cried, not knowing what I was going to do.  Finally, hours later after dark, I went home. I came in the house, sure they would be happy to see me. I had left a note that I was leaving. Yet, no one said anything to me. I went to my room and cried myself to sleep.

Finally, I came to the conclusion that there was something seriously wrong with me.  It never occurred to that struggling, sweet, little girl that it was her family that had some serious issues. All she knew was that no matter how much she tried, everyone kept rejecting her.

From that day, everything I have done is based on that fear of being rejected.

• I became a perfectionist trying to eliminate every flaw that would cause rejection. It backfired, as people started telling me how intimidating I was.
• I gave up many things I love to do because I didn't want to be intimidating or viewed as competition.
• I turned to fantasy and online relationships. They aren't real and so the people wouldn't ever reject me.
• I started seeking people I could help or rescue.  These people needed help and surely wouldn't reject me. I became over-invested in their welfare, accepting abusive behavior because I didn't want them to leave. When it became to much, I would reject them. That is better than being rejected.
• I started having all these relationships with people I didn't want anyway. Knowing that I had already rejected them, when they decided to be done with the relationship, I wouldn't be devastated.
• I developed a relationship with food, food never rejects me. Ever.
• I became extremely critical of other people, listing all of the reasons I didn't want them BEFORE even knowing their name, so that if they rejected me, I wouldn't be devastated.
• My career was one of the few areas I felt extremely capable. So when anyone challenged me or what I was doing, I would work twice as hard to over-compensate or prove them wrong. When my principal at the high school wouldn't give me the funding I needed for band, I nearly killed myself with this MASSIVE fundraiser that raised over $50,000 for the band program.  When I say nearly killed myself... I mean that.  Then I went out and won award after award for our performances, to make her feel bad about not giving me the funding I needed.

I could go on and on.  I am so scared of being rejected that I keep people at arm's length, not emotionally connecting. I don't know how to maintain a relationship. I've never been able to do it. When I move, I cut all ties. I don't keep in contact with anyone from any part of my past. We might be FaceBook friends, but we don't talk or connect in anyway.

How sad is that?  It breaks my heart to think of that little girl crying herself to sleep out of loneliness. I wish I could go back and hold her. I would tell her how funny she is, how talented, how kind and how loving she is. I would hold her while she cried and tell her how amazing she is. I would tell her how strong she is, how smart, how beautiful, and how loved she is. I would tell her life will not be easy, and there will be many struggles and sometimes it may seem dark, but the absence of the light is a necessary part of your experiences. I would tell her to never give up and that someday, through the atonement, all things will be made right.  I would sing softly to her as she fell asleep, "I feel my Savior's love, in all the world around me.... "