Fear: Vacations and alone, unstructured time has always meant opportunities for me to act out. As I face the rest of this vacation with four days of time to do whatever I want, I felt a little bit of fear. The fear is doubled because I’m visiting places where I have acted out in the past. I drove past the place where everything started today. I’m wondering if I really have changed. If I’m really going to be different. I’m afraid I’m not going to make it.
Anger: Everyone has a different paradigm. Everyone experiences the same thing a little differently. Yesterday, my mom told my grandparents about her decision to give up the 4 foster kids that were living with us at one point in time. I don’t remember the situation like she does. Today I was angry about it because my mom makes drama out of everything. She views herself as the big rescuer and will even create a situation that needs rescuing just so she has something to do. We never talked about hard things when we were little. Mom just made the decision she thought was best for us and took the responsibility for it on herself. I totally do that.
Pain: My body is sore today. I want to gain more control and more power over my body. I want to be able to do the physical things I want to do. I need to commit myself to self-care and start making me a priority in my own life.
Shame: I didn’t shower or change clothes today. Sometimes, my level of self-care shocks me. I feel shame about it a lot of the time. I would like to take more time to take care of myself, to dress up, to feel more pride in my appearance and who I am.
Guilt: I’m really struggling feeling guilty about my family situation. Part of me wants to reach out and spend more time with them and part of me wants to run away. I want to feel connected and love them and do things with/for them and spend more time with them, but I don’t handle it well and it’s very frustrating to me to watch the patterns repeat themselves over and over again. I don’t know what to do about it.
Joy: Finding an Alberto’s in Orange! J Also just driving around and understanding more of where I came from. Feeling the healing of heart begin as I let go of so many things from my past.
Passion: I felt passion today about the future. No more is my past going to hold me captive. I have visited the past today and it didn’t obsess about me or wait for me. I am ready to let it go, to forgive myself and those around me. I am ready to learn from the past and to make the future one that I want. I am ready to move forward with passion for who I am and what I bring to the world.
Love: I visited my sister’s grave today and felt love for her, for my dad and for my family. Looking at all the grave markers for all the little children that died made me sad, but also filled me with love. I felt the spirit as I talked to Annjeanette and knew she was aware of me. I know she’s spending time with our dad.
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