Feelings: Day 2

Fear:  I loaned my mom $1000 today.  I am really afraid she is going to blow the money and not spend it where it needs to go.  I'm also afraid I am just perpetuating the problem by giving her money.  I was too afraid to actually talk to her about the money, about her spending, about her issues, about how uncomfortable I am with the whole thing.  I just gave her the money.  No talking, nothing. 

Anger: I got an email from my old boss this morning and it made me VERY ANGRY! I don't work for him anymore, he can't decide how and when he wants me to bill, nor can he decide if and when I work.  I get to decide that.  Also - I didn't get paid today and I should have gotten paid.  I'm VERY upset about that.  I'm just angry about the whole thing.  WHY IS HE SUCH AN IDIOT!!!!

Pain:

Shame: I overate AGAIN tonight.  How many times do I have to do that before it will kick in that I HATE IT.  I feel very shameful about it because it makes me feel out of control when I overeat.  Like other people are in control of my feelings.  I don't know, it's weird. 

Guilt:  I'm missing Primary tomorrow and I forgot to find a sub to do the music.  Forgot isn't the right word.  I remembered SEVERAL times, I just didn't do it.  So at the last minute, at 10:30pm tonight, I sent an email to several women asking one of them to do it.  I could have just asked earlier this week.  I thought about it so many times and just didn't.  I need to stop that.  I need to act when I need to act.

Loneliness:  I don't really feel like I experienced this emotion today.  Maybe, while I watched my mom and her dad argue about things, I felt lonely for my mom.  She needs so much help emotionally and no one can help her.  She won't go find the help she needs and she is probably in a lot of denial about how much help that is.  I felt lonely for her.  This must be a hard world when you are alone like she is. 

Joy:  I went to the beach today!  I haven't been to a real beach, with sand and water and waves for 4 long years.  I bobbed in the water for nearly and hour, swam with the seaweed and dug for sand crabs.  It was awesome. I'm just the perfect amount of sun burnt -- not so much that it's bothersome, but enough that you skin is slightly warm to the touch!  LOVE IT!

Passion:  When I first got here - to Cali for my week long visit -- my plan was to re-live my life.  I was going to go to all my old haunts, my old houses, schools, place of employment.  I wanted to see everything again and re-live the memories I had there.  But as I thought about it today, what I really want is to not re-live the past, but to plan for the future!  I want to design my future and figure out what it is I want from the rest of my life.  It lite in me a passion for my life and for myself. 

Love: I love my grandparents. I love them with all my heart.  I will see them again in a few days, but I miss seeing them all the time and enjoying their company.