Anger: Still a little residual anger from yesterday's phone call. Wearing off though.
Shame: At group tonight I had to check in sexually and share my sobriety date. I have so much shame associated with feeling anything sexually. Any sort of arousal, or desire to be aroused, or anything like that just pangs me with shame. I shared tonight that I was angry about the phone call from Steve yesterday. I felt shameful about sharing that. I'm just a mess of shame tonight. LOL
Loneliness: Not so much today. At least not as much as yesterday. I had a really good conversation with a friend today and that helped.
Guilt: My friend emailed me and thinks I'm mad at her. I haven't called her since I got back from California, but that doesn't mean I'm upset. She apologized for whatever she had done wrong. Ok - that's a bit of co-dependency right there and also a huge amount of insecurity. When I did call her today, she didn't call back. Will I ever succeed at relationships? even just friendship?
Joy: My green bean plant is out of control! I LOVE IT! I'm going to pick tomorrow and have so many beans. I'm really joyful about the stuff I was able to grow this year. I enjoy that about having a house.
Passion: I taught piano lessons today. I missed it last week and didn't realize how much I really enjoy teaching. I am a good teacher. Everyone has always said that. It made me even consider going back to teaching. I don't know. Could I handle it now?
Love: No real love today. I'm feeling disconnected spiritually and trying to make sense out of my week.
Pain: I talked to someone from my SA meeting today. She's having a hard time maintaining sobriety. It is painful to watch. It reminds me a lot of my first 6 months and how desperate I felt to string together some kind of sobriety and wanted so badly for the addiction fog to begin to lift. It's painful to hear her talk about her anger and desperateness.
Fear: At group tonight I had to share my sobriety date. I am always afraid to do that.
Isn't it funny that we can now recognize codependent people :) I love it.
ReplyDeleteWe'll have to talk gardening next year! I had a whole balcony of veggies growing in pots this year (my first time gardening, ever!) and absolutely loved it. I am so happy about your green bean plant, and can totally relate to the thrill of it. :)
Um, I might want to take piano lessons from you. I REALLY want to learn how to play, and my co-worker back in Idaho had just started teaching me. I loved it! But then we moved. So if you ever have extra time... :)
I'm sorry bringing up your sobriety date brings up shame and fear for you. Please know we all love and support you. I would hope you wouldn't feel embarrassed around us, because you are amazing! As I was driving home tonight, I was thinking about my own past and issues...and honestly, how I should probably have a sobriety date of my own :) I haven't laid out my own addictive issues to you guys yet, but now knowing about addictions, I definitely was a sex addict of my own before I was married...and slipped a handful of times after we were married. So I get it. It's tough. Sometimes I worry all this talk about sex might bring up my old issues again! I guess that's one reason why I've been so forgiving of Ryan, even after I have always been open and honest with him about my past, while I now know he lied and denied any wrong doing on his part in the past...making me feel awful that he never did (so I thought!). Girl, this girl has issues, and they are all coming out :) Love you.
We can totally talk gardening! This is my first year in a house with land to plant in. Until now, I have always done container gardening and loved it! Did you have a nice harvest?
DeleteIf you want to take lessons, I'd be more than happy to take you as a student!
Thank you for the support. It's just my own insecurities coming through. I sit on both sides of the problem. I have an addiction for sure, with years of acting out in various ways. But I also had a 7 year relationship with a man who asked me to marry him, only for me to find out later he was already married. Talk about betrayal, loss of trust, anxiety, not knowing what is real anymore, not feeling like you can depend on anyone, I was right there for a long time. In so many ways, I can relate to all of you in that area. Yet, I had an affair and have a serious addiction and sometimes don't feel justified in being betrayed, because I was the one with the addiction. It gets confusing sometimes. BUT - I appreciate your support and acceptance. It means a lot to me.