So - I'm a little in denial today about feelings. I deal with them fairly well for a certain period of time, and then I just don't want to anymore. My therapist assures me that's normal. Today is one of those days. Nothing terrible happened, nothing even remotely bad happened today. Sometimes, I think that small break, makes me want more!!!!! And so I ignore my own feelings for a little while. That was me today. :) Happily, ignoring feelings. I don't even want to write this tonight, BUT, I've made a commitment to recovery, which includes working my program on principle and not emotion. Regardless of what I want, I will write tonight.
Fear: I talked with a friend today who knows nothing about my addiction. She watched the Brene Brown video about vulnerability and wanted to talk about it. Most of the time I talk about self-help topics, it is in recovery context. When I'm talking with her I have to be careful about what I say. Many times during our conversation, I contemplated telling her everything. But then at the end she made some comment about how horrible addiction is. It set me off a little bit with old fears of never being accepted or wanted. It's hard. I hate it.
Anger: An old co-worker called today about a work issue. She is so drama oriented. She makes a big deal out of EVERY LITTLE THING! It made me angry today that she tried to drag me into her drama. I quite for a very good reason! Leave me out of it!
Love: I use this blog as an outlet for so many things. Recently, I've allowed others in my group to read it. Having people who know me read this blog has been very interesting. After the last few days of posts, and group therapy last night, several called or text to check up on me today. It made me feel very loved. Thank you!
Pain: I spent a lot of time in the yard today. It set my hip off. I'm reminded why I when to the doctor in the first place. It's been painful today. Very painful.
Loneliness: Spending a lot of time in yard reminds me of my dad. He was such a freak about having a nice yard and having it trimmed and clean all the time. It made me miss and feel lonely for him for a few minutes. Love you dad.
Joy: ALL my piano students today (4 of them) had very good lessons! They had all practiced and I was impressed with them. I found a little bit of joy today in that.
Shame: You know, I don't think I really felt shame today. At least any that I can recognize as toxic or any that I'm harboring.
Guilt: I didn't get as much done today as I wanted. I've been exhausted for a few days now and slept in this morning. I've got to break out of this little depression and not sleep so much.
Going to bed -- lots to do tomorrow. :)
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