Faith

It doesn't have to be Perfect.

I wrote that on two or three index cards today and put them at strategic places in my house. There is one right next to this monitor.  I can feel it staring at me.

I am a believer in the magic formula.  It probably is rooted in my love of mathematics. Then again, maybe it's the other way around, and believing in the formula steered me in the direction of mathematics.  Either way, in the fantasy world where I've lived most of my life, there is a magic formula for every situation.  A few examples:

Beef Top Ramen + Grilled Cheese + Advil PM = No cold
Use when you start to feel stuffy and have a sinus headache.

Prime Factorization of the numbers 1 - 100 = Get to sleep faster
Use when you feel anxious and have trouble falling asleep.

Call every sibling once a week + call mom twice a week > Less Family Drama
Use when the family drama is acting up to cool it down.

Ok, maybe my examples are a little corny, but they are truth in my head.  It's the set of rules I live by. It's the magic formula that makes everything better.  I'm sure everyone has one or two that they use.

In 9th grade, I learned about mathematical proofs and my whole world was turned upside down.  I could actually prove, using concrete logic, that formulas would always do exactly what they say they will do.  Nothing else in my entire life could be counted on with that much consistency.  But formulas could.  In college, I aced Advanced Calculus without trying.  We spent hours a day writing and memorizing proofs about mathematical formulas. I was in my element. 

Why can't people be like math, I remember asking myself one day.  Why don't relationships have formulas.  I needed someone to write the formula for turning a friend into a boyfriend.  Or the one for what to say when your friend hurts your feelings.  I needed:

Do this + Say this + Act like this = friend won't hate you

Say this + Touch arm like this + Look at him this way = He will ask you out on a date

For most of my life, I've operated in this paradigm that somewhere there was a magic formula for everything that would make everything perfect.  All I had to do was find the formula and life would be perfect.  There is a perfect bread recipe, a perfect brownie recipe, as well as a perfect amount of food I should eat each day.  There is a perfect way to talk to people, a perfect way to express yourself in general, and a perfect number of contacts to make so people know you care about them.  There is a perfect activity, meal or event for everything. For every problem in life there is a formula to make it better.  I spent my life looking for those formulas. 

The last few days I've been searching again.  I hadn't realized I had even stopped looking, but I had. Recovery gave me the knowledge that no magic formula exists for any situation.  People are too complex to lock into a formula.  There are simply too many variables to consider.

What is the solution then?  Faith.  Faith that Heavenly Father loves me and is looking out for my welfare.  Faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ, so that when things don't go as well as I would have liked, I can be forgiven and start again.  Faith that the Holy Ghost will help me as I make decisions along the way.  I have been unwilling to rely solely on Faith.  I figured it was only part of the equation.  Like faith is only a small part of the formula.  Something like:

Me acting perfectly + Fulfilling my covenants + Repenting + Suffering + Faith = Joy and Salvation

The problem is, I could never get past that first part.  I can never be perfect by myself. 

I have really struggled lately with this concept.  Why do I have an addiction if God loves me? Why can't I have relationships and children of my own if God is truly looking out for my welfare? Why must I suffer and feel so much pain?  Why is my family dysfunctional? Why, when I am trying so very, very hard do I continue to struggle?  Then I found this quote:

"Jesus instructs us.... that we are to come unto Him.  However, as you have noticed, when we strive to come unto Him, we come to see how He will then make our weaknesses better known to us, sometimes painfully, in order to help us progress.  Christ even promises us that He will make some weaknesses into strengths."
~~Neal A. Maxwell, "Testifying of the Great and Glorious Atonement"
 

Though that concept is not unfamiliar to me, the way Elder Maxwell words it feels profound.  "He will make our weaknesses better known to us, sometimes painfully, in order to help us progress."  Wow.  At an SA meeting last week someone shared that the one gift their addiction gave them was a need and reliance on their higher power.  Is that what I am to learn from my addiction?  Did it really take this much pain for me to surrender completely to Heavenly Father.  Obviously, it did. 

But - I am grateful. I am grateful for the atonement. I am grateful for the knowledge of the gospel and the plan of life and salvation. I am profoundly grateful for the relationship I am developing with my Savior.  I am learning more and more how completely reliant I am on my Heavenly Father.  I am learning more and more about how important relationships with people are.  And if it took an addiction for me to figure that all out, then so be it.