I sat in my therapist's office yesterday and cried the entire hour. After trying to tear apart and split the layers on the last few weeks of what has felt like emotional torture, it boils down to the same dilemma I've known about for years.
I like myself and who I am, yet my actions don't create the types of relationships I want.
So something has to change. But I don't know where the changing needs to happen. Is it me? Do I have unrealistic expectations of friendship? Do I know what healthy relationships are? Maybe I am surrounded by normal, healthy, friendships and I don't trust it. (That's what my friend said last night at dinner.) Why do I feel so insecure in relationships?
Or is it really my actions that need to change? Maybe I'm really not doing enough? That is how I feel all the time. I feel like there is something more I should/could be doing. I can't sit still, I can't be content. And maybe this is true? Maybe I don't do enough. I feel so selfish all the time. I see women who have it all together along with their really well adjusted 5 kids. I feel like I can barely keep up with my own emotional needs, let alone those of 5 children. I see what they do with their time and wonder what I do with mine.
I read this quote lately in an article about the Atonement:
As to the location, nation, time, and circumstances in which our personal discipleship is placed, we should, as the scriptures say, be content with the things allotted to us (see Alma 29:3, 6).
~~Neal A. Maxwell, Testifying of the Great and Glorious Atonement
Be content with the things allotted to us. That is something that escapes me. I live in a fantasy world. It reminds me of Anne of Green Gables. Marilla says to Anne after she has refused Gilbert, "You've dreamed up some sort of thing you call love and romance in your head. Does he not love you?" (of course that is not a direct quote.... just paraphrasing what I remember.) Have I dreamed up what I think my life should look like, what I think friendship, love, relationships, discipleship, and addiction should look like and hold up this impossible standard? And anything that falls short is unacceptable to me, the perfectionist?
I don't know the answers to any of these questions. But I do know that I am tired of being sad. I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of living in fear. I'm tired of being rejected. And I'm tired of feeling inadequate, insignificant and alone. I'm done with it. I can't do it anymore.
I want to feel joy and happiness. I want to feel like singing in the shower again. I want to feel like dancing around my house. I want to feel safe and secure. I want to feel equal to the tasks ahead of me. I want to feel valuable and loved.
I want to be enough. How do I get there?
Amy, my heart aches when I read this. I think everyone feels this it's just the intensity of it. All I can think is that you are doing your absolute best, you are seeing a therapist, going to sa, seeing a nutritionist, going to church, holding callings, working you recovery HARD and still finding the time and energy to help other people. You ARE enough, you are more than enough. How many other people could be fighting so many battles at the same time? You are amazing. Do relationships always turn out to be healthy and amazing, heck no, you know at least 7 of us who are proof of that, the thing about relationships is that they involve OTHER people. If they are unhealthy or lacking it is not always your fault. You can't accept the blame for a broken relationship that someone else destroyed. You ARE enough. It is okay to be tired and discouraged, it is okay to feel overwhelmed and hopeless but Amy, you are an amazing woman who, even though you may not feel like you have it all together, always gets up and tries again. That is all anyone could ever ask of you. You ARE enough.
ReplyDeleteI read this Moses 5:10 "... Because of my transgression my eyes are opened and in this life I shall have joy..."
Working your recovery is hard but without your addiction would your codependency ever have been addressed through therapy? Would you ever have learned that you and your needs are important? You are learning to treasure yourself, to love yourself, to take care of yourself, you are learning to FEEL for YOU... You will be happy, it will take time, it will take more work...but you can do it, you are enough just as you are, you're just learning to recognize it. Love you Amy, call if you feel like talking.
Thank you, Megan! I appreciate so much you words of encouragement.
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