Want

I don't want to talk. I don't want to feel. I don't want to do this anymore.  I'm overwhelmed and exhausted.  I drove around the lake two times tonight.  Yes, the entire Lake Washington.  Then I went to the grocery store at 10:30pm and did my shopping.  The entire time I repeated to myself, I don't want to talk about anything.

Yet - here I am, an hour later, somehow drawn to my blog.  I did remind myself that I'm PMS-ing, which might be part of the cause of the additional emotions I feel today.  But I'm sure it's only part of the cause. 

Truly, from the outside, nothing is wrong.  I've perfected that skill. I can hold it all together and put on the "It's all good" facade very, very well.  My students once got me a bumper sticker that says that -- It's all good.  I probably still have it somewhere.  But on the inside tonight, I am a total wreck.

I don't want to talk about sex, relationships, my family, dating, my addiction, my issues, my friends, my job or lack there of, my calling, my assignments, or any of the many, many things I feel like I'm failing at.

What I want to do is pack up my car, cash out all my accounts, drive away and start over.  That is what I do.  Between 17 when I moved to college and 25 when I ended up in California, I moved 14 times.  That doesn't include the transfer and such of my mission.  That is just the number of apartments I lived in during those 8 years, well 6 1/2 if you take out my 18 month mission.  Wow, I moved more than twice every year.  That is crazy.  But that is what I did to cope. 

I hate feeling like this. I can't even figure out what is really going on inside me. I just want it to stop.