Home

Oh blog, how I've missed you. It was difficult to find 10 seconds to myself in while visiting my family, let alone enough time to write.  My head and heart are so full tonight and I need to process.

The visit overall went well.  I flew in on Monday and spent the day with my mom and sisters. It was a little bit harder than I anticipated. Going to stay at your brothers house is not the same as going to stay at your parents house. 

Mom: Mom has a room and bathroom to herself and some of her own space, which I know she really appreciates, but it's not the same as having your own house. She's struggling with it.  She's struggling with many things, I think.  She looks really, really tired. She cries at the drop of a hat. Two of my brothers said they feel like they can never do anything right for her. She is having a hard time. She's struggling financially as well. I had a good talk with her and asked her point blank if she would consider therapy and counseling. I told her I've watched death and loss consume some of my friends and wanted to be sure that didn't happen to her. She said she didn't need it and was doing fine. Overall, I had a good time with her, better than I anticipated. She is a victim, she plays that role well and it's hard to watch. She doesn't take care of herself and is struggling with her health.  She said several times how much she misses me and asked if/when I was going to move closer to home. Oh mom, sometimes I want nothing more than to live closer to family. But sometimes, I know I can't. I'm so conflicted about that.

Christmas: Christmas was good. I only got two presents, one from mom and one from my sister-in-law.  We spent the day together as a family. I tried to go get hamburgers to honor my dad, but no place was open.  No one talked about dad. It was disturbing to me. I tried to do the things I needed to remember and honor him while still allowing others to be where they are in the grieving process. I think I did a good job. I missed him. I missed him very badly.  Overall, it was a good day.

Family: There were moments, but overall it was good. At one point in time I told my sister and brother, I wasn't going to talk anymore if they were going to keep attacking me every time I spoke. They gave me weird looks, but stopped. Seriously, we need to learn some emotional skills in my family.  It was difficult to be in the home of my brother and sister-in-law who are struggling with their marriage. My brother would benefit so much from some help and she seriously needs to learn to stop being so co-dependent.

Drive Home: My sister and I drove home yesterday. We spent 13 hours in the car together. We hardly spoke. I've learned that she waits for me to talk. She waits for me to bring anything up or to start conversation. I never want to talk because I can't handle a conversation with her. I can't handle her negativity, rudeness, critical nature and narrow point of view.  Conversation with her is hard. Plus, I'm always afraid that anything I say will set her off and she'll go crying to her room.  I don't want to deal with it -- so I don't. I just don't talk or even try to. I don't like it. I don't like that we don't talk, yet I don't want to do anything about it. I want to run away and move out and not work on it. It's too hard.

Home: I thought I would be happy to be home, but I'm not. I miss my family already. I miss my nephews and my niece. I miss my brothers and my mom. I miss the mountains of home and the snow.  I feel very conflicted. I didn't feel like I lost myself while I was home, like I usually do. I felt more authentic than I normally do with them. I miss them.  For the first time in the 5 years I've lived here, I feel like leaving. The thought of leaving my ward doesn't paralyze me. The thought of getting out of the rain and grey actually makes me happy.  I've always wanted to live closer to my family.  Could I actually make that work?  But then I think of leaving my therapist, my SA group, my friends, my house and I think, no way.  I don't know.  Conflicted.