Pretend

After the last week, I needed a break.  I found what I needed in a game of pretend.  For the last 24 hours I've been pretending to be the most popular, capable woman around.  Sounds stupid, I know. But it's been an interesting experiment.

Every time I looked in the mirror, I said out loud, "I'm so pretty."  Whenever I looked at anyone, while shopping or walking or driving, I smiled and said "Hello."  I pretended to be very decisive about everything I wanted and everything I said.  When I decorated the house last night, I did everything I wanted and even followed my creative intuition and LOVE my mantle and house.  When my sister tried to blame me for giving away her fake tree 6 years ago, I called her on it.  When she got upset and said that she did it because she knew I didn't like fake trees, I said "You can't run your life on my thoughts or opinions. That's being co-dependent."  She didn't like that very much, but I did. 

When fear, anxiety, negativity, and insecurity entered my mind or my heart, I just told myself I was wrong and that everyone loved me and wanted to be with me.  And because I was pretending, it really was as simple as that.  It took an enormous among of emotional energy, but it felt good. 

I was surprised at the number of moments that felt authentic.  I was surprised by how much different life felt.  I felt happier than I have in days. I'm trying to make some sense of it all.  They aren't feelings I have a lot of experience with.  I felt safe. I felt accepted.  I loved it.

Another big component of the day was prayer.  I knelt down yesterday at the beginning of this experiment and gave it all over. I told Heavenly Father that I was done feeling this way and that all I wanted was to do His will and be happy.  Every time the shame, anxiety, or negativity came up, I would say a quick silent prayer and try and let it go.

I think this is what they call confidence.