Why do I do this?  Why do I even write on this blog or write at all?  I'm not the poster child for recovery.  I struggle everyday.  Every. Single. Day.

Today's problems in random order:
Sleep:  I can't sleep.  Since surgery I've been trying to get back to some kind of regulated sleep pattern.  The harder I try, the worse it gets.  I'm exhausted.  I've two night of really crummy sleep.  I finally fall asleep around 2 or 3 in the morning and then sleep until 9 or 10, only perpetuating the problem.  Today, I had to get up because of therapy and I'm determined to keep myself up all day, no naps.   But I'm struggling.  I've lost control of my emotions and cry all the time.  Also - I struggle with fantasy in the middle of the night.  It's my go to drug to fall asleep.

M:  M text me last night and wants me to meet him in Cali for the weekend.  I want to go..... but I can't.  It's too triggering.  It's too much like weekends with Steve.  M and I don't have a physical relationship, and he is very safe for me usually.  But with this lack of sleep scenario and it being Cali, my old stomping ground, I can't go.  And I'm pissed about it. 

Money:  For a year now, I've lived on my savings account and a little income from consulting.  That money is running low.  I need to find a job and move on with my life.  I need to move into the next phase of my life.  I think I've keep hold of this position with my old company hoping that things would change I could go back.  That's not going to happen.  And honestly, now that I live in UT, if it did happen and they wanted me back, I wouldn't go.  I want to be here.  So I need to commit to being here and find a job. 

Looking for Work:  I HATE looking for work.  I hate putting myself out there for the possibility of rejection.  I hate it.  I hate the long shot that submitting resumes and applying for jobs is.  I just want to walk into the company I want to work for, demonstrate my skill set, talk to them for a few minutes to decide if I really want to work there and then get a job.  Why can't it be that way?  I want them to romance me and want me.  I just have a hard time with the process.

Food:  I hate food.  I hate eating.  I hate preparing food and planning food to eat.  I hate that it is this thing in my life that I'm struggling with.  It feels overwhelming.  I know I need to eat and because I don't plan well, I just end up eating whatever is around the house.  I know it's not right, but it's just this thing in my life that I'm struggling with.  I hate it.  I'm  hungry all the time and I'm scared to eat because I never eat the right thing.

Friends:  All my friends are back in WA and I miss them desperately. Making new friends is hard.  I don't want to do it.  Everyone has someone.  Everyone but me. 

Trapped:  I've been here before.  This isn't anything new.  I feel like I should be past these cycles already.  There is that word -- should -- I'm never in a good place when I start using that work. 

There is more...... But frankly, listing all the issues only make the issues bigger.  I get to a certain point where even listening to my own crap just bores me.  Blah blah blah, whine whine whine whine.  Stop it all ready.  Put on your big girl pants and do something about it.

So here is the plan:
Now - Make my bed, Start the laundry, Clean the Bathroom, Take a shower and get dressed
Next - Get something to eat including a large diet coke for the caffeine
Last - Go to the store:  food and Melatonin tablets

If anything else happens today -- then I'm awesome.  But right now these things have to happen.