One Friday morning, resentful and angry, I sat in an SA meeting. I noticed a few men talking about the temple before the meeting. I knew by their discussion that they were members of my same faith. One of them, still not sure of his name, shared during the meeting about his spiritual transformation. He talked about how he had always viewed God as the great punisher, how his relationship with God had always been more of an adversarial relationship. His prayers were always long apologizes about what he wasn't doing right, wasn't doing enough of, or just plain wasn't doing. He never felt he could ask for help when he wasn't even doing all that God had asked him to do. His sponsor helped him shift his paradigm about this relationship. He looked to God now as more of a coach. "We are on the same side" he explained, "and both want me to be better".
The nature of my relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ, changed that day. It didn't happen over night or all at once. I started saying things in my prayers like: I know we're on the same side and I know thou wants me to be better at this, but I need help. And when I prayed, it wasn't a laundry list of all the things I wasn't doing anymore, it slowly became a coaching session of ways to be more effective, ways to be of service, ways to take care of myself and ways do His will. I prayed for help and was confident help would come.
One particularly rough day a few months later, I knelt at the side of my bed to say my evening prayers. I desperately wanted to stay sober, but felt overwhelmed with the sadness of my father's illness, the struggles with my family and the chaos at work. I recited the words to a hymn over and over during my prayers and reminded my Heavenly Father, that He promised to help me "In every condition, in sickness, in health, in poverty's vail or abounding in wealth, at home or abroad, on the land or the sea," and that "as thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be." I clearly remember the feeling of peace that came into my heart and words in my mind "I got this tonight, I promise. Get some sleep." I slept long and sound that night.
Today, rather than my adversary, the Lord has become my advocate. From the dictionary: Advocate: One that supports or promotes the interests of another. I love this scripture: "Behold, and hearken... saith the Lord your God, even Jesus Christ, your advocate, who knoweth the weakness of man and how to succor them who are tempted." (Doctrine and Covenants 62:1)
He is my advocate even knowing my weakness. He is my advocate and knows how to coach me and nurture me who is tempted all the time in addiction. I don't have to be perfect to ask Him for anything. I wouldn't need a coach or an advocate if I was perfect.
And this scripture: "Listen to him who is the advocate with the Father, who is pleading your cause before him -- Saying: Father, behold the sufferings and death of him who did no sin, in whom thou wast well pleased; behold the blood of thy Son which was shed, the blood of him whom thou gavest that thyself might be glorified; Wherefore, Father, spare these my brethren and sisters who believe on my name, that they may come unto me and have everlasting life." (Doctrine and Covenants 45: 3-5)
Many call addiction a spiritual disease, a great spiritual misconnection, and say they were trying to fill their God-hole with sex or alcohol or drugs or food or whatever was their choice. I get that. Until I started to understand the true nature of God and my true relationship with Him, I would do anything to feel better. And as that relationship has changed and increased, the hole has been filled. I don't feel the desire to act out the way that I used to. I'm not perfect, nor do I always think straight about it, but my true desire for addiction or acting out behaviors is gone. In fact, it makes me sick sometimes to think of the things I have done in the past.
I have seen so many abandon their faith, their God, their religion searching for a "God of their understanding" as the Big Book of AA and the White Book of SA encourage people to do. But rather than throw the baby out with the bathwater, why not examine the paradigm in which you have been approaching the God you have now? Could a relationship shift or paradigm shift help you see the true nature of that God. If you haven't been successful at relationships with others, why do you think you've been successful in your relationship with God? It makes me sad to watch so many turn from a faith and Heavenly Father who could really help them, who wants to help them, who is advocating for them everyday.
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