Lonely

It wasn't until I started making comments to the newscaster tonight, that I realized what was going on.

I'm lonely.

It started over the weekend.  I went to an SA retreat and was jealous of all the couples I saw there.  Yes, their lives are probably not great at the moment and some of them looked to be really struggling, but they had someone to struggle with.  At least that is what I was telling myself. 

Last night I attended an SA meeting and went to dinner afterwards with a great friend.  I loved having someone to bounce ideas off of, to talk about addiction and life and family with.  We sat for a few hours with easy conversation.  We were interrupted by a text from his girlfriend.  It's good, I don't want to date him or anything similar.... I was just jealous of the relationship.

Today, my BFF M from Seattle had a 4 hour lay over in SLC.  He called and I picked him up from the airport for lunch.  I miss him.  I miss the easy conversation, the natural relationship, the fun, the laughing, the jokes.  Again, I don't want to date him.... I just miss the friendship.

Tonight, I made really great food for dinner.  Grilled chicken, saffron rice and this great avocado, tomato, lime dressing thing.  Trust me, it was fantastic!  And you'll have to trust me since there was no one to call and share it with. 

I made bread and had no one to tell me how awesome it smelled. 

I worked on my therapy homework and when it got overwhelming I didn't have someone to hold my hand for a few minutes and remind me that it is all the past.

I'm ready to not be alone anymore. 

But not for all of the reasons I've had in the past.  Not because I need validation or love.  Not because I'm tired of making decisions alone.  Not because I need someone to take care of me.  I find validation when I need it now.  I make decisions and don't run away from them.  I take care of myself and do the things I need to do to be happy and stay connected to Heavenly Father. 

No, I want something different than what I have ever wanted before.  I want to share my life and share in someone else's.  I want to be seen and appreciated and valued.  I want to see someone else and appreciate them and value the contribution they make to the world.  

And it would help if he liked science fiction as much as I do.  But if not, I'm sure we could still work it out.