Perfect

People think that I'm perfect.  I'm constantly told how put together I am, how amazingly talented and how accomplished I am.  But - I am not perfect.

For the last 12 years of my life I've been addicted to erotica, pornography, masturbation and phone sex.  I feel inwardly desperate about the fact that I may never get married or have children.  My dad just passed away from brain cancer and I have bad days where I cry most of the time.  I think I'm slightly depressed and am not sure what to do about it.  I attend Sexaholics Anonymous meeting weekly to stay sober and sane.  I'm constantly running away from my feelings, even men I've dated say they never knew what I was feeling.  I hold my entire family together, and feel an enormous amount of pressure to hold it together.  I can't be broken or even have a bad day.  My sister once called me the whore of our family.  Why?  because I had kissed three men in the last year.  There is a rage that bubbles just below the surface, and I seem to barely be able to keep it in check.  Sometimes, it's not in check. 

I recently read a blog where someone said that people thing you have it put together if you do your hair, put on your make-up and show up in somewhat trendy clothes. 

Thing is - I'm not perfect.  No where near perfect!!