Again

I have that desperate panicky feeling again.  The one that indicated anything could set me off at any moment and I will lose my 90 day sobriety.  It started this morning.....

I was woken up by my alarm in the middle of a sex dream so real, I honestly thought it was happening.  When I woke up and realized it wasn't, I was grateful, yet aroused.  I laid there for a second too long.  Closed my eyes and hoped I would go back into my dream.  When the images and feelings wouldn't come, I started to fantasize.  That is where I broke boundary #1 - No self-initiated fantasy in my head.  Then, I put a pillow between my legs and started thrusting against it.  It's not masturbation if you're not touching yourself, right?  Fortunately, that is where it ended.  I woke up, shook my head, got out of bed and went to work. 

The thoughts and feelings have plagued me all day.  But tonight I'm choosing something different.  I will read from my SA book, meditate, do some relaxation exercises, and remember why I am doing this.  I don't have to give into the desperate feelings of lonliness and rejection.  I can choose something different.  I will choose something different.