Loss

In twelve days I'll be on the road, moving all of my belongings to another state.  I'm very conflicted about it this morning.  I'm excited to be on my own, living near my family in an area with less rain and grey sky.  I need more sunshine in my life.  This is something I've wanted to do my whole life.

Yet, as I spend time with people and say goodbye, I'm super sad.  I will miss so many people.  Former co-workers, families from my ward, former mission companions I've grown close to, friends, even my sister.  I will miss my support group in SA, and the friendships and women I have met there.  I will miss my therapist and his quirky mannerisms.  I will my piano students and their excitement around the progress they make in their musical skills.  I will miss the smell of the ocean and the beautiful water I drive by everyday.

Why am I doing this then?  Is living by my family an appropriate trade-off for the other things I will miss?  I suppose I view my family as eternal and the rest of these things as temporary.  But are they really temporary?  I don't know.  If I have to keep telling myself this is the right thing and remind myself of the times I've felt the spirit and my confirmation, is that a good thing or a bad thing? 

Even as I sit here and write about my doubts, I know I will go.  I know there is pretty much nothing that could change that.  Maybe if he professed his undying love and proposed, maybe I'd stay.  Maybe.  I'm not sure he is what I want.  Some days he is everything I want and some days he is not even close.  I suppose that is normal, though.  Nothing is ever perfect all the time.  You take the good with the bad and decide if the bad is something you can live with.  In this case, I can live with the bad.  But this is a rather ridiculous line of thinking -- there is a lot to overcome here. 

I will go.  I will cry for awhile and grieve the loss of such amazing people in my life.  But I will pick up and carry on.  And somehow, everything will work out, right?  Isn't that what Heavenly Father always tells me -- it will be ok.  It will be ok.