But the concept of "Boundaries on Steroids" has stuck with me. I'm surprised sometimes at the little things that stick with me and make an impact. I think I want boundaries on steroids.
A few examples:
I was hired to teach a little 3-year old in my ward music lessons. I was reluctant because I've never taught kids that young, but agreed. I've been a little self-conscious about the whole thing. The last two lessons the mother has cancelled. Today I got a text from her that said: "I need to take my baby to the doctor, let's plan on next week." (She has a 7 month old) Instantly I thought: She doesn't like my lessons, she doesn't find them valuable, she doesn't want to pay my fee or thinks it's too high, etc. Boundaries on steroids would take it for what it is and let it go. She has a 7-month old and is trying to balance life. This has nothing to do with me. While writing this I got another text: "She has an eye infection and today is the only day I could get in." This really has nothing to do with me.
My sister stomped down the hallway a few days ago making huffing sounds. "What's wrong?" I asked. "Nothing" she spat back. I spent the next few hours thinking over everything I've done, said, not done, and not said trying to figure out why she was mad. Again, making it all about me. Boundaries on steroids would say if she's not ready to talk or won't tell me if I did anything wrong, then it's not my problem. This has nothing to do with me.
I worry about what people think, feel or say about me. I try to manage it and spend time obsessing about it. I edit who I am to fit what I think other people want me to be. Boundaries on steroids says: What other people think, feel or say about me is none of my business until they make it my business by talking to me about it. It says work to be comfortable with who you are and how you respond and interact with others. Ultimately, if you're confident in what you think, feel, do and say, you won't care about what other people think about you. No one has the whole picture anyway. And those that do have the whole picture - your therapist for example - think you're a great person.
I went to dinner last night with one of my very best friends. I had a really great time. I felt confident in what I said. I voiced opinions that I normally wouldn't have. I also held my tongue when I felt it was the better decision. In all of my interactions, I was authentic. We discussed personal issues and private things about ourselves. I needed him last night for so many reasons and he delivered. But the best part is there is no "boundary hangover". I'm not frantic today about what I said, playing every detail over in my head to make sure I didn't say anything that could be misinterpreted. I don't feel the need for confirmation from him that we're still ok or that our friendship is still solid. I feel secure in our interaction.
The main difference I see between the boundaries I have now and those I want has to do with the automatic thoughts. My boundaries now allow me to logically talk down my negative automatic thoughts -- like the mother doesn't like what I'm doing with her daughter. The thought comes and I talk myself down from it. But I still spend 20-30 minutes mentally engaged in trying to change my thought-process. If I have several of these incidents in a day, it can be hours of mental engagement talking myself off the cliff. I don't want to spend that time. I don't want the thoughts. I want to develop enough confidence in my interactions with others that there is no room for automatic thoughts.
I want boundaries on steroids.
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