People Like Me

In doing the work for my 4th step, I came face to face with three major realizations.

1. While in addiction, I was completely and totally selfish.  Facing that was difficult.  I had longer term relationships with people and can't remember their names or much of anything about them.  It was all about what they gave me and had nothing to do with them or who they really were. 
2. I ended every relationship. All of the rejection was on my end. Not only that, in most if not all cases, it was complete abandonment. I didn't have a conversation and end the relationship -- rather, on a whim one day, or when life got too chaotic, I would just end all communication. 
3. These people I had relationships with liked me.  After the abandonment, I would get emails and phone calls and texts, begging for confirmation that I hadn't died or was in a tragic accident or something.  They would go on and on about how much they missed me and how much they wanted me to be ok.  Because I was so selfish in acting out - I never responded.

As I have pondered these realizations over the last few weeks, I finally understand why they have been so challenging to look at.  These three things are in direct opposition to three major things I believe about myself.

1. I am loving, accepting, a good friend, and look out for others.  I am a rescuer.
2. My life has been full of rejection.
3. People tolerate my existence and presence, but don't choose to be my friend.

I have felt like a victim for so long -- locked out of social circles, rejected for my appearance and other character flaws, always the friend but never the girlfriend.  My older sister told me countless times growing up that people didn't like me, they just pretended to be my friend.  I hadn't realized how much I thought that to be true.  I've carried these ideas with me my entire life. 

After discussing this with my therapist today he explained that when going to school and doing clinicals one of the things they drive home is finding something about everyone to like.  Some clients are easy to work with, but others aren't.  Then he said: "Some clients you really wish you could have met under different circumstances because they are just really great people and you wish you could have a friendship with them.  You are one of those people."  Wow. 

Apparently, people like me. Even my therapist who knows every ounce of dirt about me, thinks I'm a great person.  He qualified it even and said "I'm not just saying this because you're the perfect client and have made so much progress."

And you know what -- what's not to like?  I am pretty fantastic.  I'm smart, quick-witted, and fiercely loyal.  I'm an acute listener, an astute observer, and good at seeing the big picture.  I'm efficient, musical and have a great memory.  I'm opinionated but not over-bearing, and accepting of all.  I love all things jazz, chocolate and anything that comes off a grill.  I have a definite relationship with God and my Savior. I've seen every Dr. Who episode and love all things Harry Potter.  I have a knack for organizing spaces and people and can beat anyone at Rummikub.  I have a gift with children, they light up around me.  I have a gift with teenagers, they open up around me.  I'm a gifted teacher and musician.  I write well and excel at public speaking.  I have an eye for color and love to draw and paint. 

For thirty-seven years, none of that ever felt like enough.  When you pick and choose what makes you valuable or enough, you'll never win.  We are each valuable and enough for who we are right now - whatever and wherever that is. There is no magic formula to make us enough.  We make ourselves enough. 

Today - and every day from now on -- I choose to be enough.