Co-signing

The last week has been brutal.  During therapy last week, in the last 5 or 6 minutes, we started discussing the negative dialog that goes on in my head.  We started by discussing the anxiety I have about engaging socially.  Casually, my therapist said:  "Why don't you just start paying attention to the negative things you say to yourself and next week we'll discuss ways to combat it."  

And so I did.  And by day four I had three solid pages.
 
You are not pretty.
Your hair is ugly and no amount of product can do anything for it.
I should wear more makeup -- maybe that will help -- but I hate wearing a lot of make up.
Jewelry -- everyone says I should wear jewelry -- but I hate jewelry. That's probably your problem.
Maybe, someday, a man will be able to look past how fat you are and want to be with you.
Being fat makes me unworthy of a relationship.
Why do you even try to lose weight - it never works.
Why do I exercise -- it's painful because I'm overweight.
Don't leave the house, people will look at you and think or say hurtful things.
You should be able to handle this... it's not like you've been raped or anything?
Maybe if you were just nicer, people would like you?
Wait for people to talk to you first, then you know they aren't just pretending to be nice.
Why can't you keep your house clean?
Why don't you use your talents more and serve other people more?
You should be a better daughter and sister.
That was stupid.  Why do you do such stupid things?
Don't eat that.
Why can't I eat the right thing all the time?
Why can't I figure this weight loss thing out?  I'm smart. I should be able to do this.

That was only page one.  As I started noticing these negative thoughts and became aware of them, it got worse.  I don't know that I ever realized the horrific things I say to myself.  The demeaning, demoralizing, downright mean things I say.  The only conclusion I could come to by the end of the week, is that I intensely hate myself.  The pressure I put on myself to be perfect, to say and do the perfect thing all the time to make up for being fat is ridiculous.  And the beratement that comes when I can't live up to being perfect is even more unbelievable. 

The overwhelming fact for me this week, is that I believe these things. I can logically tell myself that they are not true. I can talk myself down from the edge. But yet, reading that list, I feel that they are true.  No matter how much I tell myself they aren't, I feel that they are.

I became so overwhelmed and nearly paralyzed about the whole thing, I scheduled an extra therapy session this week JUST to talk about the list.  As I started reading it to my therapist, I was half crying, half laughing.  I've talked about some pretty graphic, personal, detailed things about my sex addiction with my therapist -- yet, I had a really difficult time reading this list to him.  I was embarrassed (hence the laughing), yet mortified (crying) at the same time.  It was much harder for me to read this list, than to tell him about my sordid sexual history.

He asked how constant it is -- I had to admit that as we were talking, I was belittling myself internally for scheduling this extra session because I couldn't handle a little negative self-talk.  I even criticize myself about my negative self-talk. 

I walked away with four assignments:
1.  Talk to someone about it (preferably at a meeting). 
2.  Continue to write it all down to get it out of your head.
3.  Come up with a general purpose affirmation you can say to yourself to stop it.
4.  Return and report next week.

I went to an extra SA meeting tonight.  Trying, unsuccessfully, to hold in my emotions, I finally talked about it the last few minutes of the meeting.  I was approached by three men after the meeting, all thanking me for being so honest and willing to talk about their own issues with the same thing.  One of them shared what he says to himself:  "I'm not willing to co-sign on that bullshit." 

How perfect is that?  When I allow myself to talk to myself that way, I'm co-signing the bullshit.  Because, all of those things that I believe are shit.  They aren't real or right or true!  Somehow, sometime, I'm going to believe that.  Until then though.... I'm just going to keep saying it.  I will not co-sign on those thoughts.