Sobriety

In SA, we talk about it being a "one day at a time" program, but we do celebrate certain milestones.  Today is one of my milestones -- 9 months of sobriety. 

Last date I had phone sex:  December 14, 2010

Last date I acted out with a man:  April 13, 2011

Stated the SA program and therapy:  July 15, 2011

Last date I masturbated:  December 1, 2012

Sobriety date:  December 2, 2012

Today:  9 months sober

I have to say I'm pretty damn proud of myself.  Seriously.  I can't think of the last time in my life I went 9 months without masturbating, probably close to 20 years. 

Early on in sobriety, I had to divide my day up in time periods.  I would say to myself, I'm going to stay sober for the next 12 hours.  I would pray and tell Heavenly Father my plan for the next 12 hours and ask, no beg for His help.  Help always came.

Today, I recognize the fragility of my sobriety.  I can be acting out in less than 5 minutes.  I know exactly where to go and how to make it happen.  A few weeks ago, I had a really difficult few days.  Before sobriety, I would have said things to myself like: "I want to act out", "I want to numb my feelings", "I want to escape".  Yet, this time, I found myself saying -- "Just take a little bit of time to cry and feel what is going on, it will pass eventually".  And it did.  And I stayed sober.  I didn't want to act out, I didn't want to escape it.  I didn't want it to pass without partaking.  I wanted to be present in my life and feel what was going on.  It was glorious.

Being present has been one of the biggest gifts of sobriety.  I'm living my life. I'm not watching it happen, or avoiding it, or criticizing it as it goes along.  I'm living it.  I feel more authentic and present than I have ever been.  The other major gift of sobriety has been the ability to express and receive love.  I'm learning to truly accept love into my life and allow myself to feel loved and wanted.  It's amazing! 

One of my major goals for 2013 is to live the entire year sober.  Four more months and I will have accomplished that goal.  I am confident in my ability to make that a reality, with the continued help of my Heavenly Father and Savior.