Single

Today, I don't want to be single. 

I know, I know, I feel that way a lot, as most single women probably do.  But today it's a different.  For the last year or so, I've been diligently trying to seek and accept God's will in my life.  Right now, that includes being single and childless.  I recognize that any relationship that could have formed earlier in my life would have been addictive and dysfunctional.  If I had children earlier in my life, there would have been some other dysfunction there as well.  I get that.  And so for the last two years, since I've been in recovery, I've been trying to live in reality and accept that I'm single and not try and fantasize my way out of my life and into another one.

Two nights ago, I spent the evening with 3 couples playing games.  It was fun.  Really, I had a good time.  But as the night progressed, I found myself feeling more and more lonely.  They each had inside jokes, used intimate knowledge to play as a team and special victory hand slaps and sayings.  The longer the game went, the more alone I felt.  It didn't have anything to do with them.  They were fun, nice, considerate and including of me, the only single at the event. 

It had everything to do with me and where I'm at in my own reality.  I'm done being alone.  I'm not scared or sharing myself or my life with someone else.  I'm ready to share my life and share in someone else's life.  I'm ready to build a life together with someone else.  I'm ready to be known and know someone else.  I'm ready to embrace who I am, trust myself and my instincts and be different.  I wish I could adequately describe how I feel. 

The first time my therapist suggested dating, I lost it.  Seriously, I was so anxious and so scared about it that even just talking about it got me all worked up.  The last time I acted out was after such a discussion where he suggested I start practicing dating by getting dressed up and attending events with some of my friends.  I got so worked up and felt so stupid about it, I acted out rather than constructively take care of my feelings. 

As I watched these couples on Saturday night and again at church yesterday, I could feel a change taking root in my heart.  I am someone who makes myself happy.  I am someone who can take care of her own needs and is starting to really embrace herself and her life.  Now I will find someone with whom we can be happy together as well.