Protection?

I just finished watching this incredibly cheesy, poorly written romantic comedy with incredibly bad acting.  Yet, at the end I found myself in tears.  Not just a few that dropped from my eyes, but a full on sob. 

During therapy this week we hit on a topic that I hate talking about: Dating.  The discussion left me feeling vulnerable and needy, but most of all scared.  Dating for me has been this experience of extremes.  On one hand I have these men, who are not members of my church, but who couldn't get enough of me... AS, SL, AT.  On the other side is this long line of LDS men who are willing to spend every waking moment with me but unwilling to take it one step further to commit to a relationship.... JG, DP, DE, GF. 

The first day I met DE, I went home, called my mom and told her I met the man I wanted to marry.  I loved him from the beginning.  We were both RA's in the dorms together.  The young 19 year old men flocked to him.  We ate together and worked out together nearly daily.  We made midnight trips to Wendy's for Frosty's.  When the snow got to be too much in the winter, we would drive until there was sunshine.  I loved him with everything that I had.  Yet, our relationship never progressed.  He talked about other girls he was attracted to. We share some of our darkest secrets with each other.  I knew I had found a kindred spirit when he started singing Harry Connick, Jr. songs to me one night.  One of the signatures of our relationship was the late night phone calls.  2-3 times a week, sometimes more, I'd get a 2 or 3 am phone call from him.  He would have some big doctrinal question he wanted to discuss.  We would talk for a few hours and then I would go back to bed.  He got me through that year of college.  I've seen him a handful of times since college.  He came down to California to see one of my band concerts one weekend.  He came down again the month before I left for Seattle.  He drove me around for days and helped me finish off my California bucket list.  That was the last time I saw him.  He desperately wanted me to come to his wedding just over a  year ago, but I couldn't make it happen.  I couldn't watch him get married.

I really felt GF was an answer to prayer.  I was so lonely in California and was desperately trying to pull myself out of depression and addiction, of course I didn't know it was addiction at that point.  He was fresh off a mission and our callings threw us together at church.  He was my kind of handsome, tall, a bit stocky, and slightly shy.  Yet, he had a quiet confidence about him.  We lived about a mile from each other and became inseparable nearly instantly.  For five years, I loved him.  We would cuddle occasionally and blur and cross lines, but nothing ever stuck.  He dropped money on me like crazy.  We had dinner with his parents quite often.  When we danced, which was quite often because of his calling, he would pull me really close, so our bodies were touching, wrap his arms about me and hold me tight.  I still remember the last time we danced..... at his wedding.  That was one of the worst days of my life. 

When my therapist asked why I hate dating, I shared some of these experiences.  I told him that this is what taught me that Mormon men don't want me.  They aren't will to commit to a relationship with me.  When I said some of these things to my therapist, he disagreed.  Thinking about what he said and my experiences, he's probably right.  Maybe these experiences are the consequences of my faulty thinking to begin with?  Maybe they are the results of how I felt about myself.  He thinks my weight problem might just be a protective layer I've built around myself.  That feels true.  But I'm not quite sure what it is I'm trying to protect myself from.