Support

I wrote this on July 10th: 

It is past one in the morning and I need to go to bed.  Good self-care would dictate I was in bed three hours ago.  But sleeping seems to not be in the cards for me lately.  At least unless I medicate myself. 

I've been in Utah for 10 days now.  Wow, I thought it had been longer.  It's good, really good in some ways.  But really bad in others.

I miss my friends.  I miss having 10 or more people I could call to go to dinner with.  I don't like eating alone.  I have a whole new line-up of restaurants here and no one to go with. 

I miss my support network.  Though I know I could call any of the women from my recovery groups anytime I want or need to, it doesn't feel the same.  I miss seeing them every week.  I miss feeling of their recovery.  I miss hearing about their lives and learning from them. 

I miss my piano students.  I need children in my life.  I've learned that about myself.  I miss them desperately. I miss seeing the progress they make each week.  I miss hugs and kisses from them. I miss the excitement they have when they come visit me.  I miss all of it.

I miss primary.  Sitting still through three hours of church is ridiculously hard!  I haven't attended Relief Society or Sunday School for over four years.  How do people do it each week?  I want to be back in primary or at least back doing something, back serving or back feeling useful. 

I miss the sense of belonging that comes from living in the same area for 5 years.  That is the longest I have ever lived in the same ward my entire life.  I knew the area and felt at home. I can't expect to feel that way in 10 days.  I get that but it doesn't mean that I don't want it.

Today:
It's funny how much different I feel.  I just got back from 6 days in WA. And though, I still very much miss these aspects of my life -- I feel very motivated to move on.  Moving back isn't what I want either.  I realize how stagnant I was there.  I went back and nothing had changed.  I don't want that kind of life where nothing progresses and nothing changes.  I need change.  I need progress, it motivates me.  So let me rephrase:  I went back and nothing had progressed.  I think of all the things I've done in the past month to move my goals and life forward and talk to a lot of friends who have not made any progress at all.  I thrive on progress.  I need it. 

I'm glad to be home.  Home.  I'm glad to be making changes and moving towards things.