Depths

My friend posted this on Facebook today.  I'm not a big Facebooker, but I liked this.  I have known trials, struggles, loss and am just finding my way out of the depths. 

This month has been deep.  Last year, I spent November and December at my parents house out of state and took care of my dad until he passed away on December 30, 2011.  I find myself oscillating between deep sadness and real gratitude.  I miss him, I love him, and then some moments, I'm glad he's gone. 

I can tell I'm missing him, when I eat PB&J sandwiches for days on end.  The last few weeks of his life that is all he would eat.  Or when I randomly order 6 cases of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups from Amazon (did that last week) simply because they were on sale.  They remind me of my dad.  Sometimes, random thoughts come into my head like, "you need a chocolate donut".  I know that's my dad.  I don't even like chocolate donuts. 

My dad and I never had the best of relationships for many reasons.  But when it comes down to it, he was a great dad.  He did everything he knew how to do. I can't hold him accountable for things he didn't know how to handle. 

Last week, for the first time since his passing, I really wanted a priesthood blessing.  I've had so much going on lately and feel so very overwhelmed.  I've had several blessings from worthy men other than my father. Probably because I couldn't have one from him, I wanted one so badly. 

I absolutely know I will see him again. And I know that day will be wonderful. 

In the mean time, I miss him.