Feelings

The need to write is strong in me right now, but I don't really know what is pushing it.  I'll try my feelings check in and see if that sparks anything.

Shame: I went to the theater with some friends again last night.  I went with my gay friend who knows about my sex addiction. It was nice because we both got really dressed up, went to dinner and then to the theater.  In some ways, it was less triggering than the last time I went a few weeks ago, but in some ways it was more. When I find myself in situations where I see men that are attractive to me, I find myself almost instantly in sexual fantasy about them.  I didn't do that before, at least that I remember. It's disturbing to me. I felt shameful about it last night. It's also frustrating because it's arousing as well.  I really enjoyed myself last night though. It was a good time.

Guilt: I don't feel guilty, just overwhelmed. When I get too overwhelmed, I start to feel guilty and start a negative dialog like.... why didn't you manage your time better? why are you so slow at things? etc. etc. Then I talk myself into feeling guilty. 

Fear: I've been working with several other musicians and artists in preparing a Christmas program for church as well as preparation for the youth production I'm directing next spring. I have found myself over and over again doubting my own abilities. I'm constantly telling myself that they are better than me and that they won't like what I have to say or how I do things. I'm going to be working with some really talented musicians in the next 6 months and that scares me.  What if they don't like what I've done? 

Anger: During Primary today a woman came in and tried to have an in depth discussion with me about several things coming up for the ward. I was really frustrated with her interrupting Primary or trying to talk to me while we're trying to keep the kids reverent. I'm not ok with that.  I could feel myself getting really angry with her.  Finally I just said, can we do this after Primary? She was annoyed, I could tell. I was proud of myself for standing up for my feelings -- but also angry at her reaction.  She went ahead and stayed there with her crying baby, causing a disturbance and wrote down what she wanted to tell me.  It's little things like this that I have allowed to drive wedges in friendships before, which I recognize is not good.  I need to let the whole thing go. 

Pain: I haven't been to physical therapy for three weeks.  My insurance changed and it's super expensive to go.  My hip is in a lot of pain.  I need to just bite the bullet and go.  I will call and make an appointment tomorrow. 

Loneliness:  I'm feeling needy today. Lonely, but more than just lonely. I'm feeling emotionally needy. I need to explain to someone everything going on in my life and have them tell me that it's ok.  I used to call Steve sometimes and say, "This is what you need to tell me....." I'd go on and explain exactly what I needed to hear in detail.  He was really good at repeating it back in a very encouraging tone that made it sound like it was his own words.  Wow -- I just realized how healthy that probably was.  I knew what I needed, I called and told someone what I needed and asked for it.  I don't do that with anyone else.  For some reason, it felt safe with him.  One day, I will find someone else with whom it feels safe. 

Joy: My meeting with the stake youth committee went incredibly well this morning. I was up until 1am preparing for it. I wasn't sure exactly what to do, how to do it, and really wanted to get the youth excited and involved. I prayed about it all night while preparing and this morning over and over again before the meeting. It went better than I imagined it would.  I'm feel joyful about it. I'm incredibly excited to be doing this production.

Passion: I see the word passion and I think -- I don't want to feel sensual or sexual.  It takes me several seconds, sometimes minutes to disassociate the word passion from sex and realize that you can be passionate about several different things.... this doesn't have to be a report about how you're feeling sexually.  I have this talk with myself every time I do this exercise.  I don't know if I felt any passion today or feel passionate about anything. 

Love: So many people have come up to me recently and complimented me on different things.  From the random guy in the store the other day who came back down my isle to tell me how great my smile was, the girl last night in the line at the bathroom who told me how amazing my outfit was, the youth this morning who told me how excited they are to be involved with me, my primary kids today who hugged me, and just lots of other random things going on in my life. I'm grateful for them. I feel loved. I'm trying to accept them and realize that the world really thinks I'm a good person and not the raging sex addict I sometimes identify with more than anything else.  People don't see that.