It's days like these were my therapist earns every dollar.
In one hour of conversation the two weeks of emotional pain wrecking havoc in my life has been lessened significantly. It's kind of a miracle in my life.
It was all about Validation.
I talked and he made sense of my babbling. I explained my emotional distress and he put it in perspective. I talked about my anxiety and he told me it was normal. I told stories of things I handled wrong and he gave me hope of ways to recover. I expressed all my insecurities and he made it better.
A few take-aways to help me remember:
1. As you change your family will do everything to pull you back. The anxiety you feel around that is normal.
2. To feel validated you must actually talk to other people. Working at home alone all day doesn't provide the acknowledgement you need of your existence. Make a connection every day.
3. The anxiety you feel about being close to other people is only because you're not used to it. The longer you stay in the friendship the easier it will become and the less anxious you will feel.
4. Trust yourself. You know what feels right, you know when you're uncomfortable, you know when you don't want to do something. Allow yourself to feel those feelings, allow yourself space to make a decision.
5. Your family is not normal. You are not responsible for their welfare. You are not responsible to fix anyone or anything. They are all adults and can take care of themselves. If they decide not to, that is their choice. If things fall apart, that is also their choice.
You are not your family. And that is a very good thing.
Great thoughts! And Ryan and I are working hard through numbers 1 AND 5 right now. As Ryan and I have set healthy boundaries with his mom, she is doing EVERYTHING she can to pull us back, and we are feeling a HUGE amount of anxiety over the chaos she is creating over it. Something I've been thinking about today, as a few of her family members (husband and sister) have both emailed Ryan and me, giving us a guilt trip/shaming us a bit ("from a mothers perspective, I would be absolutely devastated if I didn't hear from my son" and "I'd like to talk with you, your mom is really devastated, and I'd like to help you both if I can"). I realized today that neither of these people were concerned for Ryan's mom....they were concerned about the chaos she is creating FOR THEM, now that we have set a boundary to get out of her chaos and choose to be healthy. Her family members are looking for a way to stop the chaos they are now in with her, and believing the solution is for Ryan to have a relationship with his mom, instead of thinking the solution should be Ryan's mom needs to learn to be happy with herself, get therapy for herself, and make changes herself. When I felt like I needed to respond to them, I had to tell myself the exact thing your say...I am not responsible to fix anyone or anything! They can fix their own adult relationships on their own...we can't fix it for them. If they don't like the chaos she is creating for them, they can choose to walk away from it like we have. Their choice.
ReplyDeleteMy brother did the same thing to me. As I started pulling away from my mom and setting boundaries, my mom started to try and pull my brother into everything. He would call me crying about what was going on and ask me to fix it. It was really hard. We've worked it out now. Stick to your boundaries! It's so hard, but so worth it. My brother and I have a better relationship now because I was really honest with him about everything that has been going on with my mom the last year years. It has really helped us.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your encouragement!
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