Call

My grandma passed away yesterday at 2:30pm.  It wasn't surprising, but it wasn't expected either.  She has been struggling with emphysema.  I have a lot to say about her and I will, but that is not what is troubling me right now. 

Right this very moment, I want to call Steve.  Not because I want to act out, because I don't. It's really the furthest thing from my mind.  What I want that Steve has is history.  This is my mother's mom and her family.  They are crazy and I really mean that.  The next week, as I talk to all of them and visit California and see all of them is going to be amazingly difficult.  I want to call him and say -- can you believe this? I don't know what to say to my aunt? Or what am I going to say to my cousins? How do I talk to my cousin who is a full-blown sex addict? Or my other cousins struggling with addiction? What do I say?  He knows all of the details of the family and all of the drama. He lived through it with me.  He will know how very difficult this will be for me. He will know, more than anyone else, the issues I'm facing. 

I could call another friend, but it would take hours to explain the background and they still probably won't get it.  They weren't there, they didn't live it or see me through it. I want the comfort of familiarity and recognition. I want the known. 

Now -- I know I can't call Steve.  Let me rephrase that, I could call Steve, but I won't call Steve. I can't connect with him like that anymore.  Not because of who he is or what he is, but because of who I am and what I am.  This has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.  I am a valuable person with boundaries. I was manipulated and used by him and I don't allow people to do that to me anymore.  So as much as I miss the good parts about our relationship, because there were many, I don't continue relationships with people who manipulate and abuse me.  I live congruently. 

And that is where I am at.