Coincidence

The longer I live, the more convinced I am that absolutely nothing in this world is coincidence. Not one thing. 

My therapist gave me the assignment of trying to practice being sensual in a safe environment.  How in the world I was supposed to accomplish that, I couldn't say.  I don't feel safe in most public places. I don't feel safe with a lot of my friends. I have a sex addiction and sometimes the simplest little thing can set me off. But what scares me the most is getting triggered and coming home alone.  It's dealing with the triggers after the event that are most difficult. Anyway..... point being, I was supposed to practice.  One of my recovery friends (she would be my friend outside of recovery as well, she's that great) called me to catch up.  We had a great conversation and I asked if she would go out with me Saturday night so I could practice.  She was totally game.  (Thank you!!!)

I've been thinking about what we could do that would be triggering for me, yet somewhat safe as well.  Then yesterday, I get a very random text message from Nate, of course, not his real name.  When I first moved here about 5 years ago, he was my trainer at the local gym for just over a year.  I had a huge crush on him.  He has the most amazing voice, I could listen to him sing all day.  We developed a great friendship and went out a few times.  But we haven't talked or spoken in nearly two years.  He texts me yesterday and invites me to attend a play he's performing in locally.  He has the lead.  Coincidence?  Not at all.

So Saturday night, I will be getting all dressed up, with lots of makeup and cute clothes, going to dinner and a show with my friend.  Triggering?  Absolutely!  Just getting dressed up is triggering for me.  All of that kind of stuff before was linked to acting out.  Staring at a man I find incredibly attractive for 2 hours while he sings, another thing that is totally attractive to me, will be very triggering. Nearly every man I've dated have had incredible voices. I can't resist a man who can sing. And then, I get to come home and not act out. That is where the challenge will be. But one that I will rise to meet.

I've been really frustrated lately with the amount of sexual energy I have built up in my system. No matter how careful I am with thoughts, fantasy, images, etc., this energy just builds up in me.  I know it's sexual energy because it manifests in random thoughts like "I need an orgasm".  I've tried prayer, scriptures, meditation, reading, all sorts of things, and they help keep my mind focused on what I want, but the energy is still there.  As I was thinking about Nate a random memory popped into my head.

One day we were scheduled to work out. I had a really bad day at work and was REALLY frustrated with a family situation.  I showed up, but wasn't very excited to be there.  He looked at me, tilted his head to the side, kind of summing me up, and then this huge smile erupted on his face.  "We get to have an angry workout!" he nearly yelled.  I laughed at him.  What is an angry workout?  I soon learned.  After a workout that hard, I had no energy left to be angry.  It was awesome.  It helped remind me that you have to fight energy with energy.  If I have sexual energy I need to dissipate, I need to do something physical.  Walk, Run, Workout, Work in the yard, whatever it is.  Fight energy with energy, Nate used to tell me all the time.  Coincidence?  Nope.

One more....  I've been talking lately with my therapist about this idea that I need to re-engage socially.  I need to attend events and start to meet new people.  I've been out of the social scene for so long, it's time I re-engage, especially if I ever hope to be in another relationship.  Over the past 48 hours I've had 6 different invites to social events coming up in the next 2 weeks.  These are all singles events, where all those in attendance will be single.  Coincidence?  Not even close.

Nothing is coincidence.  Nothing.