Easy

I don't want to write tonight, which usually means I need to.

The last few nights have been really difficult. I wrote about how I started to plan an acting out episode on Sunday night after dropping my sister off at the airport.  Since then, the level of sexual energy or anxiety in my life is above my recovery baseline.  This is super triggering to me. I went to an extra meeting on Monday, and saw my therapist. Yesterday, I went to dinner with one of my recovery friends and posted in an SA discussion group hoping to surrender it.  Yet, for three nights now, I've nearly acted out.  I've been riding the line for three nights.  I've let myself get lost in fantasy and even started acting, but have stopped myself every time.  I've texted and made phone calls in the middle of the night reaching out for the help and support I need to get through it.  And I have gotten through it.

Yet - the energy or anxiety or whatever it is, isn't going away.  I have some ideas on what is causing it, but I'm tired of analyzing.  I just want it gone.  I don't want to have to work at it. I don't want to have to discuss it or write about it or figure it out.  I'm just tired of everything being so hard right now. I want something to be easy. I want something to change just because I want it.  Recovery has been hard for so long.... I just want a few easy things to deal with. 

I feel like I'm whining.  I probably am. So, I'll quit.
Goodnight.