Jealous

I'm having a jealous day.... really a jealous week, I suppose.  It started earlier this week at group therapy.  At check-in each week, I listen to all the women in group talk about how they're doing sexually. I don't have sex. I won't have sex until I'm married, if that ever happens. Listening to them talk about connecting (or not) with their husbands every week is triggering for me. I am jealous of their ability to feel sexually.  I can't let myself go there. And if I never get married, I'll never have sex, never feel sexually again, and may never understand healthy sexuality. It very well may be that my only sexual experiences are addictive ones. Sad.

Then one of my best friends in my ward had a new baby. All was well and she and the new baby are home now. I was jealous that she gets to be a mother again.  Another one of my friends announced a pregnancy..... jealous, I want to be pregnant and be a mommy.

Every time I got on FaceBook this week there were new pictures of families..... jealous, I want a family.

Two friends came over for dinner and talked about the renovation they are planning to their home..... jealous, I want to own a house and have some roots down.

Went to dinner last night with some friends. I have not dressed up to go out or to dinner for a long time, but last night I made an effort. Just dressing up made me feel a little flirty. At the restaurant my friend was checking men out and commenting right and left.  Soon I found myself doing the same thing. I haven't done that for so long. It felt foreign, but fun. I didn't realize how triggered I was until I woke up with sex dreams in the middle of the night.... jealous that I can't do that anymore.

Jealousy always leads me back to loneliness. I have been so lonely this week. I'm so tired of being alone. I'm tired of living this life by myself. Friends are good and fun. And I have many of them. But it's not the same. I want a family.  I try to be content. I get involved with the children and families around me. I reach out and help when I can. I go places with friends. I even travel with friends or on my own. It's not like I sit around and pine away. But sometimes it just gets to me. And today is one of those days.