Never

After a grueling week around the trauma in my life that is Steve, I cried myself to sleep last night. I had a moment yesterday where I was ready to give it all up, therapy, SA, sobriety, recovery, all of it. It is hard.  The thought lasted about 10 minutes. It took me that long to realize, as the white book says: "we have no other options but to stop, and our own enlightened self-interest must tell us this." I have no other options. I thought about where my life would be right now if I hadn't entered recovery 16 months ago. It's not a pretty thought.

Last night, I went to bed grieving, sad, depressed, angry, frustrated, lonely and desperate. I need this pain to stop. I need this fear to go away. I laid in bed and cried, desperately wanting this to all go away. I finally fell asleep about 1am, knowing I had only a few hours to sleep until my morning SA meeting. 

I woke up at 6 in pretty sad shape. My eyes were red and puffy, I was exhausted and my hair was a ridiculous mess. I thought for a few minutes about skipping the meeting, but knew that would not be the right choice. As I got ready, I had this melody in my head I couldn't place. It isn't super surprising, my head picks up melodies all over the place.

The meeting was really good. It was exactly what I needed. As I chatted afterwards, I hummed this melody going through my head.  One of the men standing near me said, "You're a Taylor fan, huh?" From the look on my face, he knew I didn't know what he meant. "Taylor Swift, that's one of her songs you're humming." I don't hate her music, but I don't own any of it. He sings me the chorus: "We are never, ever, ever, ever getting back together."  I smiled as this amazing feeling of relief, comfort, I would almost say joy washed over me.

I got home, bought the song on Amazon looped it on volume setting 10 for about 30 minutes. I know she's like 20 and the song is juvenile and young, but she nailed exactly what I needed to hear, with the power and conviction I feel.

Steve:
We are never, ever ever ever getting back together.
I used to think that we were forever and I used to say never say never.
But this is exhausting!  We are never getting back together, like ever.

Thanks, Taylor.