My mom just posted this one Facebook:
To go or not to go...a Thanksgiving dinner...with the singles... Am I really single now??
My dad died about 10 months ago. So yes, mom, you are single, I suppose. I guess I have a problem watching you go through this. I'm conflicted. Kind of angry at her for posting this, particularly because we offered to fly her here to Seattle to have Thanksgiving with us. Kind of upset she's making a public deal out of this. She's contemplating her first single activity on Facebook? This reminds me of an article I just read on one of my favorite blogs: Barking Up The Wrong Tree. It's about why people post so many annoying status updates.
I have a lot of feelings:
Fear: what if she re-marries?
Rejection: she's going to go to a singles Thanksgiving dinner instead of spending the holiday with family?
Guilt: she's obviously feeling lonely. Maybe if I lived closer and kept in better contact she wouldn't feel so lonely.
Shame: I should be happy for her, she's moving on?
But mostly - I feel put in the parent role again. I was the parent my whole life. Mom did what she wanted all the time and I held the family together. So mom is going to have dinner with the Singles while I host dinner for more than half the family at my house.
So, rather than do the co-dependent thing here, and stress and worry about this and let her actions and choices affect my feelings, thoughts and emotions, I am going to talk myself off the cliff.
1. I am not responsible for my mother or my family.
2. It is not my job to keep the family together.
3. I am not the parent. I am an adult and can make my own choices.
4. I choose to celebrate holidays with family because having a relationship with members of my family is important to me.
5. No matter what my mom chooses for her life, I will respect and love her.
6. I will share about all these feelings tomorrow at group.
Ok - I feel better.
Like I thought -- the calls came in last night from all my brothers and sisters commenting about mom's FB post. With some I did a good job, with others I slipped into the parent role, calming them down, assuring them that everything will be ok, helping them work through their feelings. Who the hell ever does that for me? No one. No one does anything for me. I do everything for myself. It is hard and I hate it. I do everything on my own. Everything. I hate it. Again, my mom gets to have an emotional outburst, but I have to hold it together all the time and help everyone through it. She is so selfish.
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